Sunday, December 23, 2007

Staying in Practice of Surfing the Net While on Break

Here are a few good links:

Bizarre Records

Crack is Whack WARNING! NOT SAFE TO VIEW IN PUBLIC

Also, someone sent me a link to 2 Girls 1 Cup. First time I saw it. I don't even know what to say. If Joe Rogan can't watch it then I don't know who can. Joe Rogan watching. Also here are some General Reactions I'll let you find the actual video yourself.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I just got my ass handed to me on my easiest exam this semester (so they say). I knew I was screwed when I picked up the exam and it was 15 pages on legal sized paper. According to the grade distribution over the last two years the prof. gave 50% A's and only twice gave below a B+ to give 1 B and 1 C. All throughout the semester I've been wondering what that 1 loser did to earn that C. I think I just found out.

It was the worst exam I've ever turned in. I'm going to vomit.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Night Before Christmas...Legal Power Nerd Version

Author Unknown

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
house") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar
plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and
said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such
time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.,
kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur
upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to
said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did
immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause
of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
identified the animal co-conspirators by name Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the
Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that
an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been
involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the
Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys
and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without
prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via
the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and
other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco
in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health
regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items constituting transfers to minors
of present property in contravention of 26 U.S.C. 250 (c)).

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew,rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof here the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.

Original

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Professor Hair Club - 12/13/07

I've been working on my Admin Law take home exam, so I'm running across all my Prof. Hair Club quotes in my notes.  Here's another one:

"The worst behavior in today's cases is of course the chocolate manufacturers who wanted to keep chocolate milk in the free school lunch program. Chocolate is gooooooooooooodddddd kiddies!  What's a little fat and sugar among friends?"

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Joys of "Adding Authority" for Law Review

From a friend of a law blogging friend:

Metheus:  why the fuck do you have to cite to common knowledge?

Silly Little Law Student:  b/c everything has a source lol

Metheus:  "The sun rises in the east."  Fucktard, Stupid Shit Everybody Knows, But I Wrote it First Cuz I'm a Narcissist, 45 Fuck Me Law School L. Rev. 787 (2004).

Metheus:  Can you sense the hostility?  It's a bit subtle.

Professor Hair Club - 12/11/07

It's been a while since I've posted a Prof. Hair Club installment, so here's one from my notes:

"I've exhausted my profanity quota for today.  Just IM each other if you want to know the facts in Cohen.  I'm sure you're capable of doing that."

Note:  Cohen is the 1st Amendment case involving a guy wearing a jacket that said "Fuck the Draft."

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Shouldn't Be Worrying About This, But...

This question from our Business Organizations final is still getting under my skin two days later. You don't really have to know the fact pattern to answer the question because it is completely tangential to the main problem.  The only fact you need to know is that Percy wants his private equity firm to buy out X Corp., and Karl, playing the role of Made In the USA, is upset.  The professor let us keep the exam questions, so here it is verbatim:

"Karl, president of the Widget Workers of the World union local at X's factory, is concerned that the workers at X's factory will lose their jobs if Percy's plan is implemented.  If he communicates this concern to the Board of Directors, is it relevant to their determination of how to proceed?  Can Karl communicate his statement to the shareholders in the hope that they will not tender to Percy?"

The first question didn't bother me too much.  The professor was probably looking for the idea that directors' primary duty is to the shareholders, but that they can also consider "other factors" in deciding the best course of action.  The second question is what bothers me.

After reading the second question during the exam, my first thought was "Karl has a First Amendment right to speak to anyone he wants about any topic unless it incites violence or is treasonous (among other things)."  The fucker could walk up to the shareholders on the street carrying a giant neon sign that says "DON'T TENDER TO PERCY, HE SEXUALLY TORTURES KITTENS," and the worst thing that would happen is Percy would sue him for defamation (assuming that Percy doesn't actually abuse baby cats).  Maybe the local police would ticket him for demonstrating without a permit.

Some of my classmates decided that the professor was looking for a discussion of shareholder proxy statements, which is probably true.  However, we spent every bit of 15 minutes through the entire semester covering proxy statements in class.  I'm not even sure any of the assigned cases discussed them.  I had a proxy statement section (courtesy of Legalines) in my outline, but what good is an outline when you completely miss the issue because the professor didn't teach the material (or assign any substantial reading on it) and worded the question so it sounded like Con Law version 2.0?

Before any of you say "well, you DID spend 15 minutes on it in class, so it was fair game even though it sucks"...perhaps.  We also spent a couple of weeks of class on securities fraud under 10(b)-5 of the Securities and Exchange Act, and it wasn't mentioned on the exam.  Something about this is not right.  I don't have a problem with detailed questions, but it really chaps my ass to be tested on material the course didn't cover, especially when substantial portions of course material are completely omitted.

Interestingly enough, I thought the exam went well overall.  That one question just really bothers me for some reason.

Friday, December 7, 2007

I don't really feel like studying. Most of my exams are take home, what's the point?

I think I may repost the 100ish posts that I deleted when I got scared that Big Brother was coming after me. We'll see. Regardless, I'll be posting regularly, again, if my apathy can spawn some humor.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Northwestern School of Medicine E-mail Scandal

Here are three emails (in chronological order) that were sent out to applicants who had interviewed with the office of admissions. Apparently, Med. School admissions in a multi-step process and if you are selected to interview it is a big deal.

Dear [Name Redacted],

Thank you for interviewing with us---however, we decided that you are not worthy to be a Feinberg School of Medicine student. Please do not contact us, and realize that sleeping with the head of the department will not assist you to be acceptance.

However, if you perceive yourself in the future as [Name Redacted], MD, I suggest one of our finer international schools.

Best,

Pamela Meadows

____________________________________________

Pamela A. Meadows , M.Ed.

Special Projects Coordinator, Admissions
p-meadows@northwestern.edu

Northwestern University
Feinberg School of Medicine
303 East Chicago Avenue
Chicago, IL 60611-3008
P: (312) 503-8206 F: (312) 503-0550
www.medschool.northwestern.edu
*Note: My last day of employment is Friday, November 30. Please contact the Admissions Front Desk at (312) 503-8206 for any questions.


Then the admissions office sent out the following e-mail:

Good evening Feinberg applicants,



On Tuesday November 27, 2007 at 5:33pm, it came to my attention that an email in my name has been sent to interviewed applicants about a decision written in a most inappropriate and offense nature. This email is erroneous. The email sent is completely and utterly false. It disturbs me professionally and personally that this occurred prior to my departure to the Feinberg School of Medicine.



Please disregard any email message sent regarding your status as a Feinberg medical applicant. Your OFFICIAL status is obtained only through an official hard-copy letter mailed to your current residency by the Dean of Admissions. All other updates occur through the secure applicant website on the Feinberg School of Medicine webpage.



Pamela Meadows



Finally, one of the Deans sent an e-mail to the applicants

Dear Applicant:



I am writing to explain that you may have received unauthorized emails yesterday from the admissions office at the Feinberg School of Medicine. An employee sent an email with false information presented in a grossly unprofessional and offensive manner. A second email was sent to another group of our interviewed applicants asking that the first be disregarded. Hence you may have received one or two unauthorized emails.



I wish to personally apologize for these mailings and to assure you of the following:



1. No action has yet been taken on your application by our admissions committee. All current information regarding your application status is available on our secure website.



2. The responsible individual is no longer with Northwestern University and does not have access to any university property including personal information such as your email address, AMCAS number, etc.



3. Our Information Technology department has assured me that all applicant information is secure.



Again, I apologize for this event and the distress it has caused. Please contact me if you have any questions.



Sincerely,



Warren H. Wallace, MD

Associate Dean for Admissions



I find it interesting that the first "prank" e-mail was sent out three days before Meadows' last day on the job. If I were pissed off at my employer and wanted to go out with a boom, I would sent out a crass e-mail and claim that my e-mail had been "hacked"

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Finally

I just nailed down the second half of my summer. I will be paid unless I change my mind and do something stupid. I have also taken care of those pesky two weeks off and found another job with a firm from last summer.

That means that by then end of August I will have had five legal experience positions. Two of them at a repeat customer. Out of those five only one came courtesy of CSO.

I guess I just don't interview as well as I thought...

I don't care. I'm getting paid!

Bonus: The firm is in the city I've tried to get a job in since I started looking. I guess the shortbus kids don't have a solid lock on that market. Just the high paying jobs...

Another Great Moment in CSO History: Oblivion

I received a follow up e-mail from CSO the other day urging me to come in and speak with them. It amazes me and how disconnected they are from the job search process. Here is the mindset of CSO: you have one job offer for the summer, you have no reason to complain because you are ahead of 90% of the rest of the class.

This troubles me that a Tier 1 school CSO has this mindset. It troubles me that we boast a high 90% job placement, but yet 90% of our class doesn't have an offer. I'm even more discouraged because the one offer I have may not necessarily be the job offer I want. Yet, since I have one offer, I should not look for other employment that I may actually prefer over the offer I have. The irony is not lost on me that the counselors in CSO left practice because they were not happy with their jobs as attorneys (or so the stereotype goes), yet the seem to place no value on potential job satisfaction.

They try so hard to make lemonade out of lemons that it is absurd.

CSO kind of reminds me of our old friend, Baghdad Bob



For You Med-Mal Types - Another Link

I'm sorry sir, your wife died on the operating table

OK, so maybe the act in the strip is more along the lines of a battery or a criminal charge of rape.

Follow-Up to the Benny Lava Video

Wikipedia article about Prabhu Deva Sundaram, the video's primary male dancer. I have yet to uncover anything about his female companion in the video.

/commence unearthing more amusing Indian music videos

I'M BLEEDING FUCKING A

Monday, December 3, 2007

Speechless

I was sending out resumes tonight to small law firms with 10-20 attorneys from a Martindale search. Most firms of this size do not have a recruiting contact or mention that they hire summer law clerks. Instead, on their general contact page they have a generic email address usually info@FirmName.com.

I sent out an email tonight, "I am curious if your law firm hires summer clerks. I am truly interest in living and working in _____ this summer and after graduation. If so, would you mind providing me with the contact information of your recruiting coordinator?"

Here's a response I received from a . . . I can't even come up with an appropriate insult.

"Yes, [Incorrect alternate spelling of my name- not only is my email address First.Lastname@school.edu, but it is in my signature], we have summer law clerks, but I wouldn't count on getting a position with any decent firm by sending out one paragraph blast e- mails. Best, [redacted]"

Oh, even better. This was the first name partner.

"If you need a come back and can't come up with something...

Yeah, I got it the first time.

Dear Law Firm Recruiting Co-ordinator,

I would like to thank you for your letter of October 12, 2007 congratulating me on my academic success and expressing your firm's poor fortune by not being able to offer me a position with your firm. I would like to thank you, as well, for your letter of November 9, 2007, again, wishing me success in my future endeavors and expressing your deep sorrow and the massive amounts of well qualified applicants like me to which you are unable to offer positions. If I did not get the point the first two times, I would like to thank you for your third letter of December 3, 2008, again, refusing to employ me this summer. I know that well qualified candidates like myself can be very persistent and likely have a sense of self-entitlement when it comes to submitting resumes to third-tier insurance defense firms, but your policy of taking "baby steps" and breaking the news to applicants with outstanding credentials gently and over a long period of time seems to be very effective in getting your point across. Programs which involve multiple steps (See generallyAlcoholics Anonymous) tend to have a life changing effect, and I am very proud that your recruitment has three stages of rejection: Step 1. Flat Out Rejection; Step 2. Again, Flat Out Rejection; Step. 3, Again, Flat Out Rejection Again. Over the past 6 years of my higher education, many inspiring professors have preached the magnitude of the written word and its power to evoke a response from mankind. I never would have imagined that 2 pages of a cover letter and resume on 24 lb. ivory bond paper created in a mail merge to 321 other law firms would inspire you to send me three different letters on three different dates. It really touches me to know that my single letter inspired you so. I thank you for that feeling, it is something that I could never attain from any other summer clerkship program.

As well, next time you have your secret backroom meeting with other law firm recruiters, I would very much appreciate it if you could discuss the importance of exercising discretion in your letters. While many students spend hours trying to figure out who was hired in their place, it tends to take away from in-class web surfing when you tell us which students you hired in your rejection letter. While you may take pride in telling students that you passed over hiring a student from a top-tier school to hire a student from a JuCo law school, we too take pride in knowing that we have been rejected from better firms.

Do Your Friends Speak Hindi?

If anyone reading this blog has an Indian friend, for the love of god...you MUST watch this video:

Bad Indian Music Video With Humorous (Even Worse)
English Subtitles

Dear...god. I can't stop watching it, and I don't know why.

Sanjay, I'm probably going to call you Benny Lava for the duration of holiday break. I'm sorry, but I'm sure you understand.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Analogy: Westlaw = Heroin?

Having free, unlimited access to Westlaw spoils law students because Westlaw is anything but free and unlimited in practice.  This is like having free, unlimited heroin before discovering that the hypothetical real world only has poppy seeds.

I have no clue what got me started thinking about Westlaw (or heroin).

Thursday, November 29, 2007

John Tool Bag, Esquire

There is currently an old Chevrolet Malibu parked in the student lot with a tag that reads "ESQUIR."  I might not think twice about it if it was parked in the faculty lot, but it struck me as odd that some student decided it would be cool to get a premature self-congratulatory license plate.  This person is probably destined to fail out of law school and be stuck with the ESQUIR plate as a constant reminder of failure.

On another note, one more paper is finished.  I somehow cranked out almost 8,000 words in just a few days, a significant improvement over the 3,500 words in a few weeks pace I managed on my law review comment.  I really think footnoting consumes roughly 2/3 of the time I spend doing legal writing, so it's a lot faster when the professor doesn't care about footnoting or pincites at all.

Oh joy, exams await.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving for me came 3 1/2 hours late thanks to the guys in Judge Federalist's class who, in my absence, decided that having class today was a good idea. I'm still tracking down the culprits. I leave town for a week or so and overachievers start running the asylum!

Thanks to those who have been praying for me during the last few weeks. There are still good times and bad times in any given day but it is getting easier.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

How Bad Is It...

...when you interview with a firm and receive a rejection letter three business days later? Actually, that isn't so uncommon, especially at firms with quick turnaround times.

How about this...how bad is it when you know that same firm was still interviewing people at the time you received the rejection letter? Not only that, this is the one private firm in which you were genuinely interested through two cycles of OCI and dozens of mail merged resume/cover letter combos. It's essentially like they said "we so desperately do not want to work with you that we're willing to take the chance that the ten remaining candidates we haven't met yet are just as terrible as you."

I'll analogize it to dating, which is the only convincing analogy I've heard for the job search process. It's a lot like meeting a beautiful girl at a bar (I'm a guy here, not going to use the gender-neutral terminology), getting her phone number , and going on a date with her. You hit it off, have everything in common (including some rather unusual interests and qualities), and you end the night by taking her to your place to engage in some extracurricular activities. When you get to the door, she suddenly kicks you in the shin, throws a left hook into your ribs, knees you in the face, and runs away down the street. Two weeks later, you see her out at the bar with a short, fat guy who works as a janitor at the local Denny's.

It just can't be easy, can it?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Law Review Student Comment...Check

The first 3508 words of my law review student comment are finished. This will likely mean that tomorrow afternoon will be the last time I will know my own name for a little while. It's not that I haven't been able to drink in the past few weeks, but actually having some leisurely drinks for once without an impending deadline will be nice.

Oh wait, I still have to write a damn "pathfinder" (annotated bibliography) for Advanced Legal Research. It won't be intellectually challenging, but it's still just one more thing to do, paper to write, etc. Maybe I can have some "leisurely drinks" while reading more Establishment Clause cases and law review articles. This pathfinder is the only thing standing between me and holiday freedom, and by "holiday freedom," I mean finals. Oddly enough, I've always found finals to be relaxing relative to the normal semester because I'm not a person who can learn effectively by "studying" in the traditional sense. Such is the life of a 2L.

On a happier note, I actually did get a summer job offer a couple of weeks ago with the state attorney general's office. It's not a paid position, but the particular job (in the Opinions division) probably would have been one of my top choices if there was money involved. I have a couple of other promising interviews pending, including one with a private firm in my home county that is one of the only firms in the state with a local government law practice. This fact somehow escaped me until I was actually in the interview. Hopefully I didn't go overboard with the enthusiasm. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed about that one.

On another happier note, El Guapo has been coming to classes again since last Wednesday. A lot of law students attended a memorial service for his baby last Saturday. I was glad to see that so many made the effort to be there on a Saturday morning, even during this hectic time of the semester. The school is going to let El Guapo do his finals on a pass/fail basis, and the law review higher-ups pushed back his student comment due date. Hopefully things will be back to normal for El Guapo before too long.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Student Comment Bitching

Benefits of student comment:
1. only opportunity most of us have to get published at this point in our lives - degree of publication's benefit to resume is questionable
2. fulfills seminar requirement at our school - virtually meaningless for reasons explained below

Costs of student comment:
1. huge time investment
2. huge stress investment
3. kills the joy of studying/writing about an interesting topic
4. fulfills the seminar requirement - I counted this as a benefit as well, but seminars are essentially guaranteed A's, meaning that not taking one has a good chance of lowering your potential GPA. Think of it as an opportunity cost sort of idea. Students can still take a seminar, but doing that eliminates all the utility of having the student comment fulfill the requirement. It just doesn't strike me that removing the need to take a guaranteed A class is all that helpful. Perhaps I should have created a "neutral/meaningless benefits" category.

I'm not even that bitter about having to write this comment for some reason. I think it's largely useless unless it is selected for publication and probably useless even then. We've all seen how much putting law review on our resumes helped (zero). I'm at 2400/3500 words for the initial draft, and I just don't want to do it anymore. It hasn't even been that difficult so far, as I'm essentially going to turn in a 3500 word case discussion. This entire post reminds me of whining about something I have no good reason to not do, perhaps along the lines of the "but...but...I don't WANNA" argument. Blah.

Someone please make my comment finish writing itself so I can stop whining about it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Laptop Attachment

Re:  potential ban on laptop use in class the faculty and administration are currently considering:

El Guapo:  if they made it an honor court violation [to use laptops in class], I would organize a protest

El Guapo:  everyone would turn in the person to their left and swamp the honor court with cases

Another Excuse for Not Updating

It's the end of the semester.

While that should be a sufficient explanation for the law students among us, especially those who have been through a fall 2L semester on a journal, but I will explain for Carl Icahn. Here is a list of things on the priority list over the past couple of weeks:

1. citecheck for law review (editing assignment double-checking someone's work)
2. law review student comment draft
3. 2 on campus interviews randomly stuck in the 12th week of the semester when all the others were in the first 5-6 weeks
4. 2 off-campus interviews in the neighboring medium-sized city area
5. on call in a couple of classes, meaning some actual preparation for class is involved
6. regular class schedule
7. getting new laptop and setting it up, part of the reason I haven't posted much in a while
8. dicking around at home trying to forget about 1-7
9. going out drinking
10. staying in drinking




...173. blogging

Sorry Carl.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Nothing's Well on the Eastern Front Update

Now that El Guapo has sent out his e-mail to law school friends, I feel OK sharing this with those who read our blog. Here is an excerpt from the e-mail that gives you the general idea:

My daughter, [name], died yesterday afternoon. She was 13 days old. Some of you have heard this by now and some haven't. This has nothing to do with how much we love you but more to do with the fact that the last 24 hours have been a blur and we just can't reach you all. Our families are here and our church has helped us so much.

I'm not sure what to say. El Guapo, you and your family are in our thoughts. I'm glad that you guys are surrounded by friends and family to help you through this. I look forward to the day when you'll be back, but don't make it too soon. Take care of your wife and yourself.

Wow. Sometimes real life puts law school in perspective.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Nothing's Well on the Eastern Front

Very bad news today in a friend's life.  It doesn't get much worse.  It's not my place to share the news right now, so look for another post soon.

Love Letter to My Law Review Student Comment

Dear Student Comment,

I wrote a poem for you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'll fuck you with a garden rake.

Love,
Guy Fawkes

Does that sound too angry?

Edit: This post is made in memory of Law Bitches.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lunchtime Randomness

I was returning to school from lunch with Phaedrus and another friend, the source of this epic advice and a future blog contributor, when we saw something that made all three of us burst into laughter simultaneously. As we were driving through the law school parking lot searching for a space, we looked down one of the aisles and saw what appeared to be an ass and legs trying to get a baby out of a stroller and into a car. Apparently the ass and legs also had a torso (and in all fairness, a head), as the girl stood up a moment later. This girl was bending over the stroller and wearing some of the shortest shorts I've ever seen. It turned out to be some young Asian hooke...woman. We'll go with woman. I think Phaedrus chimed in with a "me love you long time" line, and we all lost it, tasteless (and timeless) as the humor may be. I circled back around for a second look, but we couldn't stop laughing.

By the time we got out of the car, she was backing out of her parking space. I'm fairly sure she saw us cracking up because she drove away from the exit and toward us at first.

Actual image of what we saw, sans stroller and baby:


Monday, October 29, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - 10/29/07

I figured a Prof. Hair Club installment would be a good cure for our recent lack of blogging. Hair Club threw out quite a few gems today, but I'll save the rest for later:

"To paraphrase Pulp Fiction, I think the courts should get medieval on the asses of the Veterans Administration officials who don't follow circuit court decisions."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Late Night

I sit in a recliner in our hospital room watching my wife sleep. I can hear my baby's hear on the monitor and watch a machine catch each pulse. I see all the contractions my wife has claimed not to feel as it clenches and turns loose. I just played a poker stars tournament and did poorly. I finished 4th in a H.O.R.S.E. tournament. Went out when my opponent caught a third two on sixth street in a stud game. Sometimes it happens that way.

Tomorrow I meet my little girl. For blog purposes, we will call her El Bonita. All other concerns are a long way off. Classes, law review, pending somewhat long term visits from in-laws. All unimportant.

For now, my wife sleeps. Aujourd'hui, le deluge.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Another CSO E-mail Full of Failure

Taken directly from a CSO e-mail subject line:

FREE Opportunity to Expose Yourself to Employers



I sincerely do not want to expose myself to employers (or most other people). That's usually considered indecent exposure and might get me arrested. Phaedrus might have gotten one of these opportunities when he went out to the bars with a young female associate from a New Orleans firm.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Other Admissions of OCI Failure

Our career services office is admitting defeat again. They just sent out an email:

"What else can I do with my law degree?"

At least it isn't another career fair they want me to go to so I can learn all about the exciting career opportunities at Waffle House.

I finally got a callback in the city I now call home. It is in a smaller firm but I like them. Maybe it will work out!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

NOOOOOOOOO!

So yesterday in Prof. Hair Club's class...

Prof. Hair Club made the statement that a B+ is a right of all god's creatures. A B+ means you are a serviceable attorney in the area. Anything better means you have some real promise in the field. A B or B- means "Danger Will Robinson, do not hire!" A C+ to him is an F. Well not that I want to settle for the B+ but its nice to know a B is the floor for a good faith effort in this class.

Well after class I went up to tell him about a pending absence in the next week. I waited in line and watched in horror as a classmate, Marginal Utility, told him how greatful he would be for a B+ and that our scale and expectations here were much lower than that. I did all I could to try and undermine him. I kept saying, "Marginal, the scale goes WAAAY up after the first year. Professors give higher grades. This class isn't even scaled." I kept dropping hints but he just kept on. It was excrutiating. I think I minimized the damage but I hope Prof. Hair club doesn't now think a B- is the right of all god's creatures.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Hair Club Part II

Professor Hair Club (I, El Guapo, am also in this class) makes awesome but dated pop culture references on a daily basis. Today he made a reference to one of my favorite Monty Python sketches, Nudge Nudge. SAY NO MORE!



He's also made references to:

Pink Floyd (he supplies the dark sarcasm in the classroom)
Young Frankenstein (describing a nightmarish teacher as Frau Blucher)
Beavis and Butthead (Cornholio mad with power)

The material is dry, but this guy rocks!

Prof. Hair Club - 10/3/07

"Just imagine what would happen if someone slipped LSD into the Supreme Court conference's coffee cups and Thomas suddenly had five votes for a non-delegation doctrine case."

Monday, October 1, 2007

Oh, the Irony

So I've been compiling a list of firms to which I will be sending resumes very shortly. Very few firm web sites contain any information about recruitment or employment, so I was elated to finally run across one that had a whole section entitled "Employment Opportunities." Here is an actual screenshot of what I found:


The page is fully loaded. It pretty much sums up the job search so far.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Betrayed

This article for law review fooled me. I thought it was in good shape. See supra post Odds & Ends. Now that I'm into it good, I realize the author has made the same mistake over and over again. It isn't an easy to fix mistake like adding a comma here or there. She is failing to cite to her original source and is instead citing to herself citing to the original source. I hate this author. I hate this article.

Advice to law tots and prospective law students. Slack Off!

Had I not been such an attractive candidate I would not be at this nationally ranked state law school. I would be at the short bus kids private school up the road in the big city that actually get hired by employers in that city.

Had I not worked hard and finished high in the class, I wouldn't be on the law review and I wouldn't be wasting so much time in on campus interviewing when I know most of them go nowhere. I wouldn't be spending my Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays in the dungeon part of the library.

Law school is filled with suckers and I'm sucker number one. Be like me kiddies! Work hard, put a good product out there, and be proud knowing that someone with a worse resume is paying twice as much tuition at a third tier law school, sitting on their ass getting hired by firms that won't give you the time of day. At the end of the day, all you can say is this.



The only thing that keeps me going is this speech by Pat Dye.



Cause there ain't a damn thing I can do but go out and work harder and run up against the wall again and again. Eventually, it will turn out alright.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Today's Self-Esteem Builder

I got a rejection letter today from a firm to which I did not apply. I even double checked to make sure I didn't drop a resume for their OCI visit. What's worse, I didn't even drop for or apply to a firm in this firm's ENTIRE CITY.

Today's absurd conspiracy theory: CSO has software that generates rejection letters on letterhead from imaginary law firms. They also monitor students' job search from black helicopters such as this one:

Monday, September 24, 2007

Odds & Ends

I am grateful for this Law Review article that came to me pre-spade in good shape.

Odd OCI strategy I'm trying and so far having luck with: I'm using presumptive closes in questioning. I'm asking questions that force them to make a choice that presupposes they have already selected me without using a preface like "Assuming you select me." I'm hoping this allows them to subconsciously think that they've already selected me and we're going into details of the post selection process. For the singles out there it is a useful bar pickup tool as well. I have no idea if it worked with Big Easy firm or not but they were the first I used it on and I got an offer so I'm using it from here on out. I'm turning the meat market that is OCI into a pickup bar and I am not ashamed.

I have to prepare a cross and direct examination for trial ad tomorrow night. I think it would surprise a lot of people to know you can graduate law school without knowing trial procedure and that you don't learn it at all before second year in any practical sense.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Barry Bonds Used Hank Aaron's Bat to Crack the Liberty Bell

Shamelessly stolen from Law Bitches: Jonathan Lee Riches, Master of the Frivolous Lawsuit

Read the "Federal lawsuits filed after incarceration" section. It's long, but I guarantee you that it's worth it.

Here are a few gems to whet your appetite:

1. filed a suit against Michael Vick alleging that Vick was involved in the Pan Am 103 explosion in Scotland, requested damages of 662,000,000,000,000 trillion dollars in British gold delivered by J.B. Hunt Trucking to the front-gate of FCI Williamsburg prison

2. filed a suit against a wide variety of defendants, including The Hague, the Geneva Convention, and the Bataan Death March, requested damages of 728 trillion dollars backed by gold and silver

3. filed a suit against the Mossad, the CIA, and Larry King Live, alleging that King is a voodoo witch doctor and that the defendants conspired to "hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH"

Will work for beads

Just got a summer offer in Big Easy. It isn't the city I most want to work in but the office is in a GREAT location. If nothing comes up closer to home, I'll go there in a heartbeat. Encouraging to know I won't be selling carpet cleaning again anyway!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

False Alarm

My phone started ringing in Professor Hairclub's class. It was an unknown number with an area code from the city I really want to work in. Thanks to the helpful tips I recieved from my career services newsletter, I knew exactly what to do. I let it ring. After class I went to a quiet spot to return the call so as to avoid being near friends shouting profanities. I took a breath, hit redial...

And it was a wrong number. I still don't believe these callbacks exist.

On the bright side I had an interview with a group from the Big Easy. I could work there. If not, I'll have another letter in my mailbox telling me how proud I should be of my academic progress.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Undergrads in the Library


Phaedrus: i've got to figure out how i can find out her name
Phaedrus: i might go pretend i lost something, and act like i left it with the morning girl and try to remember her name
Phaedrus: i mean, there's a reason cute undergrads work in the library here
Guy Fawkes: clearly it's to meet eligible 2L's
Phaedrus: heck yeah it is
Phaedrus: i'd date this one
Phaedrus: she's up to my sober standards
Phaedrus: but speaking of getting fucked
Phaedrus: i've got to go interview

We are such law students. Phaedrus is of the "that guy" variety.






Great Moments in Career Services and OCI History

1. In the midst of spring interviews, CSO sends an e-mail to 1L's offering "opportunities" to work for free to those who have a "sense of outrage at injustice." See this post for details.

2. Phaedrus interviews with a firm from the same city that is overflowing with cheesy tourist attractions, mascots with huge foam heads, screaming children, and Imagineers. The interviewer tells Phaedrus that one of the best things about the firm is how open-minded they are. Phaedrus seizes this opportunity to score brownie (kissass) points by talking about how social justice begins with the legal profession. Phaedrus also mentions that he disagrees with his private Baptist undergrad school's reluctance to add sexual orientation to their anti-discrimination policy. The interviewer spends the next 20 minutes describing his experiences with coming out of the closet. Phaedrus furiously backpedals by mentioning his GIRLfriend (emphasis added by Phaedrus). The interviewer touches Phaedrus on the arm and says, "Oh honey, I was married for 20 years."

3. Big Corporate Firm schedules 10 minute interviews all day. The interviewer proceeds to tell all candidates that the firm "likes to interview as many people as possible," and that they're only hiring for two clerk positions. Big Corporate Firm is also interviewing students from at least two other schools that we know of. The firm sends an e-mail rejection letter to at least one candidate.

4. Big Firm #2 schedules on-campus interviews with approximately 20 students. One day before the interview date, Big Firm #2 sends the following e-mail to the Career Services Office (CSO): "We have filled our positions for next summer and will not be conducting on-campus interviews." Guy Fawkes registers the firm's address on the NAMBLA newsletter mailing list.

5. Guy Fawkes arrives for back to back interviews with Firm 1 and Firm 2 a few minutes early. An interviewer approaches Guy Fawkes and says, "We're running a little early, would you mind coming on back?" Guy Fawkes accepts because he is actually early for the interview, so it is reasonable to assume that the interviewer is from the correct firm. Immediately after finishing the interview, Guy Fawkes learns that someone didn't show for an interview with Firm 2, which is why they were running early. Guy Fawkes is mortified because he almost dropped the firm's name during the interview. Only the grace of some higher power (or for you nihilists, pure dumb luck) prevents disaster. The people with whom Guy Fawkes should have been interviewing have a good laugh at Guy's expense and get the impression that he is clueless.

6. Describing the events in #5 drives me to learn how to refer to myself in the third person so I can sound more like a tool.

7. Big Firm #1 (see supra, item 3) distributes a form letter at the end of each interview. The letter says "please do not send a thank-you note." Most candidates have trouble containing their laughter.

8. An interviewer from a small firm in a smaller city market interviews roughly 15 people without asking a single question. He spends the entirety of each 20 minute interview droning on about how wonderful it is to work for a firm without any established clients because "you never know what kind of work you'll be doing when you get to the office." Guy Fawkes understands his perspective, but thinks that isn't the best way to sell one's firm to candidates.

9. CSO e-mails for almost every job fair contain the following as the first several lines (scaled down so it doesn't dominate the post): *ATTENTION* LEGAL CAREER FAIR *ATTENTION* The substantive information in each e-mail takes up less space than the attention line.

10. A CSO employee with "Assistant Dean" in his/her job title is photographed at various bars around town while hammered and hitting on undergrads. The pictures make it to Facebook shortly thereafter.

11. Much-beloved CSO employee inexplicably quits the job. It is rumored that she found a large amount of porn on another employee's computer, prompting her abrupt departure (see supra, item 10). This rumor is unconfirmed by the blog contributors, but somehow, it's not surprising.


Monday, September 17, 2007

Career Services Career Fair


I just got an email from career services advertising a career fair. Applicants are encouraged to wear business attire and bring a student ID. Employers included run the gamut from Abercrombie and Fitch (retail), Carmax, Enterprise Rent-A-Car, Pet Smart, Sandestin Golf and Beach Resort, Waffle House, and Wal-Mart Distribution centers. They have officially given up on finding us legal work and want me to scatter, smother, cover, and chunk hashbrowns for minimum wage. It could explain how this woman has given me such great legal advice at 4AM.

I have never been so insulted in my life.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Distant Connection

So I just found out I have a distant connection to the guy interviewing me today. His wife did the flowers for one of my better friends growing up's wedding and he is good friends with my friend's wife's dad. I have met my friends wife only a few times and I've never met her dad. How do you imply a connection without it sounding like the first 45 seconds of this clip?



I hate playing the who you know card anyway.

Did you ever think about that, father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate? It could be his former roommate or his cousin's former roommate. At most distant it is his cousin's cousin's roommate.I'm thinking way to hard about this...

Up on Friday

I just came up at 8:15 for a make up class for Judge Federalist's class. When I got inside I saw a rush of my classmates coming out. When I got to the top of the stairs, Spicoli told me someone else was in the room and our makeup wasn't until 10:10. I just wish they had told me sooner.

After its done I have to wait around until 4 for a job interview with a major legal market firm. The firm is sending a name partner who went to this institution for undergrad. I'll bet anything he put it on this Friday to go to the game tomorrow and get a head start on tailgating.

They are interviewing the usual group of 12-15 students I see every time I go into the interview office. I want to send an email asking if I'm one of the five they drove to see or the ten they chose to fill time.

Note: This is NOT me complaining about a job search going lousy. I'm just complaining about having to be at school all day on a Friday.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - 9/12/07

“The worst behavior in today’s cases is the chocolate manufacturers who wanted to keep chocolate milk in the school lunch program. Chocolate is goooooooooodddddd kiddies! What’s a little fat and sugar among friends?”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

So this is what it's like

After more than 20 OCI's during the course of 6 months I got a callback interview. It isn't in the town I want more than anything in the world but it is in a town with a lot of tourist attractions and history. Not a bad place to spend a summer if it comes down to it. Maybe not a bad place to live.

I guess I can't complain about job searching for at least the rest of the week. I mean I've always heard callbacks do exist, I just never believed it until now!

Job Search

Well I've been denied yet another interview in the big city in the county I reside for who knows what reason. I did get offered an interview at the happiest place on earth. I guess I'll be defending Goofy from the people who were injured due to his negligence as a contractor.



I was asked in a scholarship application if I intended to reside in the big city in my county and work there as a lawyer when I graduate. How can I answer that? Yes I do intend to work there if you intend to let me?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Actual Photo of Career Services



A photo of our career services office at our law school. I was just told by a rep in this office that there is no rhyme or reason to how firms select those they choose for interviews. If they can't figure it out, I give up.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - Off Day Archives

Prof. Hair Club:

"This guy had a big-ass paddle, and I think he enjoyed doing it to the students. I guess he was a masochist…or rather I guess you should say he was a sadist, though he may have been a masochist. Maybe he was there paddling himself too. In any case, you could hear it when he was up there paddling them, ‘WHACK, WHACK, WHACK!’”

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - 9/5/07

“Are agencies motivated by fairness? Do EPA employees lay awake at night wondering ‘oh, I wonder if I treated that paper mill fairly, oh I just don’t know’? Probably not, because what really motivates people? Money, fear…you know, the usual.”

El Guapo

The authors of this blog have invited me, El Guapo, to post. I have accepted, because, like them, I don't have enough to do in my life as a 2L. I am on Law Review and the Trial Ad team. I am expecting my first child in a month. I have a full load but not enough chances to complain about law school life.

For those who don't get the reference of my name, it is a shout out to the greatest comedic villian of the 1980's El Guapo, the Mexican Bandit and Eli Wallach parody of The Three Amigos.



I shall return with a plethora of posts

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

"Off Week" from Law Review

To do list (so far) for this 4 day week:

Law Review:
1. pick up state case law assignment for law review
2. do state case law assignment
3. think of a good law review note topic
4. figure out which professors to harass about being my faculty sponsor for the note
5. harass professor(s) about being my sponsor
6. write note topic memo

School/job-related:
1. read for Prof. Hair Club's Admin Law class
2. read 872109834 pages for Local Gov't Law since I'm definitely on call
3. make it to the local police department to get fingerprinted for the bar association - just received notice that the ones I sent back in February weren't good enough
4. interviews Thursday and Friday
5. revise resume and cover letters
6. blanket firms all over the state w/ revised documents from #5
7. meet with career services person re: on whom I have to perform oral sex to get a job for next summer

Random:
1. pay rent since the office was closed for Labor Day from Sept. 1-3, leaving a one day window to pay rent on time
2. list football tickets on eBay (going to do during class)
3. figure out all the random stuff I need from Target (also a class activity)
4. go to Target
5. get a haircut before interviews
6. figure out why my desktop PC still isn't working even though I rebuilt it last night (probably a dead or dying hard drive) - fix if possible
7. figure out why other two BRAND NEW hard drives never worked with the old motherboard and still aren't registering on the new one
8. order new hard drive(s) or RMA the dead-on-arrival pieces of crap depending on what I figure out (read: more money)

Done:
1. make blog post bitching about having too much random shit to do

Update:
Thank god, at least the primary hard drive still works. I even managed to reinstall Windows without destroying all the files I had neglected to back up. Hooray.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - The First Installment

Prof. Hair Club teaches my Administrative Law class. He is a self-proclaimed cynic from Mississippi, yet he lacks the Southern accent and crotchety demeanor one might expect from an individual fitting that description. He also lacks a substantial portion of the hair on his head, hence the nickname. El Guapo, one of our classmates and a regular blog commenter, also noted that Prof. Hair Club talks in similar fashion to John Moschitta Jr. For the uninitiated out there, John Moschitta Jr. is this guy, more commonly known as the Micro Machines guy or Blurr from the original Transformers:



Prof. Hair Club isn't quite Prof. Son of a Bitch in terms of quote volume, but perhaps I can manage a post now and then. Today's gem:

“You can look down into the dark abyss of cynicism, and I’ll be looking back up at you, waving and smiling.”

On another note, I saw a 1L female wearing a Michael Vick jersey at school today. That takes some major balls/ovaries right about now.

Friday, August 10, 2007

OCI - HOLY FUCKING SHIT, Here We Go Again

Apparently solid GPA + law review + best paper in legal writing/moot court doesn't cut it for 27/28 firms interviewing during the first week of OCI. Top 15% + law review + law firm experience only cuts it for 3/28.

Oh well, there's always the other 8 weeks.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Too Good Not to Post

"Little hippie chick" beats the shit out of karaoke singer, cops

Oh dear god, please let us see something like this at the bars this weekend.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Law Dungeon Release Date

My girlfriend and I were both slated to work in the library this fall semester, even though I never actually promised the resident Circulation Desk Lady that I would stick around. Since the girl is from out of state and I attended my law school's rival institution for undergrad, we aren't particularly big fans of our current school's football team. Circulation Desk Lady apparently took this to mean that at least one of us would be available to work during every home football game this season, even though there are approximately 8721098345 other circulation desk employees. What's worse, the home schedule is REALLY good this season, particularly with a new coach on board (read: a lot of friends/family coming from out of town).

Apparently Circulation Desk Lady is under the impression that students go to college football games for the express purpose of watching a football game. This is the same woman who once made an offhand comment about how "college kids these days think they can just go out and get drunk on Thursday because they think it's part of the weekend." She works at the law library and clearly has no idea about law school culture. Many of us in the stands aren't technically aware that we're AT a football game. We're often doing well to remember our own names on game weekends.

Today, I informed our Circulation Desk Lady that I won't be continuing work in the library for the fall term. I have trouble calling her my "boss" for all sorts of reasons I won't mention. In any case, she was not amused. She didn't really get upset with me on a personal level, but she did express some annoyance at the prospect of having to find a replacement.

Approximately two hours after informing Circulation Desk Lady of my decision, the library director (a very cool guy actually) sent out the following e-mail:

"If you're looking for gainful employment, the Library has an opening for a student desk assistant who is willing to work during football games during the fall semester. Please contact Circulation Desk Lady if you're interested.
Thanks, and welcome back."


I immediately spotted two glaring mistakes in the e-mail and anticipated their effects:

1. "welcome back": This phrase reminds students that the fall term begins very soon. It does not inspire positive emotions in any potential employee. Most e-mail recipients probably did not reach this point in the e-mail because of the second mistake. 60% of those who read this phrase groaned, rolled their eyes, and headed out to happy hour in an attempt to forget that they're in law school.

2. "who is willing to work during football games": This phrase caused 95% of the recipients to double over with laughter before permanently deleting the e-mail without further consideration. At least 50% of all recipients proceeded to format their hard drives to ensure that this phrase never appears in their inbox again.

Here is how he should have drafted the e-mail:

"If you're looking for gainful employment, the Library has an opening for a student desk assistant. The position mostly involves sitting around at the desk while bored to holy hell, which means that you can get paid to spend time studying, checking your e-mail, and playing Flash games on the Internet. We can work around your fall schedule, including football games. Please contact Circulation Desk Lady if you're interested.

Remember that there are still WEEKS of summer left before school starts again! Thanks."

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Foreshadowing

This is how I feel right now:


...except I'm in the law dunge...I mean library. If everything I've heard about second year is true, then this could become a familiar scene.

In other news, Phaedrus is transferring to my school this fall. He's already developing his "Hit List" (as in "want to hit that list"), as well as a strategy for picking up freshmen in case the list comes up short. So far we've decided that he could probably get away with standing outside the local Fratty McFratterson Pseudo-Dive Bar with a large net and a stun gun around 3 AM on Saturday mornings since the bars don't have to close by a particular time. He'll wear a specially-crafted Law Review Polo Shirt (capitalized for emphasis) and use the "hey, weren't you in my torts class?" line. It's foolproof, don't you think?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Something In Law School Turned Out OK...No, Really

Apparently Phaedrus and I submitted papers/Bluebook exams that at least made the top 60%-ish of the law review write-on competition (read: we made law review). We're excited for now, but we'll probably be even more bitter than usual when submission deadlines are approaching.

For now...hell yeah. Here's a celebratory LOLcat:


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bar Exam Cats

In honor of this week's bar exam, I'm going to start posting cat pictures. From this point forward, I will be looking for any possible excuse to post more cat pictures, particularly those with a legal theme. Do not try to stop me.


Monday, July 9, 2007

To the Law Review Write-On...

...here's what I have to say:



Sunday, July 1, 2007

Schadenfreude Strikes Again

From a comment on another blog (click here for many colorful law-bloggy comments)

"I hope you avaricious, credential-obsessed schmucks go all lord of the flies on each other, because I’m less of a man than I wish to be and I can’t help the schadenfreude."

In my capacity as a 2L at an upper second-tier school, I hereby join this opinion in full.

Hi Bob.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Another Visual Metaphor for Law School


That's one of the orcs from the Lord of the Rings movies if you didn't already know.

The Obligatory "Realizations After Year X of Type of School Y"






















I'll preface this post with two apologies to our enormous throng (which isn't as dirty as it sounds) of readers. First, I'm sorry I've only posted something like twice in the last month. Between working in the library and everyone being out of town, I just don't have anything major to write. Second, I would like to apologize to a particular reader, our resident Friendly Investment Banker. This post (and probably a lot of future ones) are likely to be less angsty than you want them to be. I've reached the nirvana of not really giving a shit about law school anymore. After a year of drama and BS, I've come to realize that the law school and legal employment systems treat most students students like garbage most of the time, and I just don't care anymore.

Some might say this amounts to passive acceptance of the same old BS and the perpetuation of the same system we've been bitching about for a while now. I say it's an enlightened state of mind.

1. The first major aspect of "the system" that everyone hates is grades. Grades mean absolutely nothing about the person who gets them except as an indicator of how good that individual is at writing law school exam answers. Note: this is not equivalent to being intelligent, knowledgeable, or even a good writer...in fact, being good at answering some exams may indicate the exact opposite of those positive qualities. The only people who think they really do mean something about anyone have anchored their identities squarely to their "academic success" which is defined by grades, not by actual intellect or knowledge. One student in our class actually told another student that his opinion about a question was less valid than hers because she was ranked higher than him. We've all been guilty of judgments about ourselves and others like this at one point or another and probably will be again in the future. High grades do provide some sense of validation to all the work and the associated stress we go through in our academic careers. However, when one starts believing that grades are determinative of intelligence, academic ability, and overall self-worth, it plows right through the line between healthy reinforcement and simple, ironic arrogance. There are entirely too many people in my class on the wrong side of this line.

2. The second systemic feature that burns a lot of people is the summer job search. At some point I realized that first year students in most parts of the country don't even HAVE a summer job search because no one hires first year clerks. It also became clear that employers care more about grades (and not even the ones relevant to clerking, like Legal Writing) than interpersonal skills, professional experience, or interviews in general. This makes COMPLETE sense just like everything else about law school. The ultimate insult was when one of the weirdest people in our class got one of the jobs for which I also interviewed, probably because he was ranked a few spots ahead of me just barely across one of those cutoff points they use to break down class ranks. I swear, if I'm ever in a position to interview students for clerkships, things are going to be different.
I also realized that firms in smaller markets have major inferiority complexes because firms in larger markets tend to snatch up the "best" applicants and often steal associates who work at the smaller firms for a few years. This leads these small firms to give ENORMOUS preference to applicants from their particular markets because they are more likely to stay at those firms in the long term due to family, sense of being at home, etc. I'm fairly sure I missed out on another clerkship for this reason.

Yet another issue with the summer job search is that it sort of sucks to be a white male. If anyone says "well, it's been a long time coming" or "now you know what it has always felt like to be (insert previously disadvantaged category)," you can die in a fire. Not a blazing fire either, but a nice simmering fire with lots of hot coals but not many flames. I have never been responsible for any of the previously mentioned historical disadvantages, so I don't think it's right for me to pay for them on an individual basis. We can discuss social policy and things of that nature in a different context, but the point is that it burns me as an INDIVIDUAL. OK, so maybe I dug up a little angst for Investment Banker's benefit. I mean none of this in any way offensive to those who may or may not benefit from such practices, but the truth of the matter is that it helps to be a member of a minority, have a vagina, or both. It wasn't necessarily a dispositive factor, but I'm fairly sure it DID have an impact on the process. Most of the people in our career services office would barely speak to you unless you were in the top 10% (and didn't need job search help in the first place) or were a minority. If you didn't fall into one of these categories and they DID speak to you, it was probably to belittle your resume in a non-constructive manner and generally make you feel like a peon with little hope of success or happiness in this mortal plane of existence.

The last major issue with the job search process is that despite all the previous issues and advantages given to some people in the class (mostly due to grades), very few people actually got jobs through on campus interviews. This includes some people in our top 10% and certainly a solid number in the top 25%. Most of the people who have jobs got them through previously existing connections in the legal field. I don't fault these people for taking the opportunities available to them, but it does suck for someone such as myself who comes from a family without any lawyers who come to mind. Ever...not a single know I know of since my family immigrated to this country as poor Scotch-Irish sharecroppers a couple of hundred years ago. Hint: this is another reason I'm bitter that I have to suffer for what those damn landed gentry did a long time ago.

The overall point about the job search is that I realized that not having a summer job doesn't really say anything about me as an individual or as a law student, and I stopped feeling bad about myself for this reason a long time ago. However, that doesn't mean I have to stop bitching about the system.

3. One of the standard rising 2L revelations is that you really DON'T have to be absolutely prepared for every single class. That's not really the case if you have the 10,000 year sentence former criminal judge as your professor, but it's true for most classes. Knowing that you don't have to kill yourself because you didn't read the footnotes to that tenth case you've read for the next day takes away a LOT of stress. The worst thing that can happen in most classes is that the professor calls on you and you're mildly embarassed in front of a bunch of people who are just glad it wasn't them because they didn't read the material either. A few professors will "adjust" grades based on participation, but they seem to be relatively few even in this first year. In any case, I started to figure this out during last fall semester in Civ Pro, a class in which I barely read anything all semester and still ended up with my best grade in a "substantive" class. The evolution wasn't totally complete until the end of the first year, however.

Overall, I'd say I started off as Terrified Newbie 1L just like almost every other law student in the history of law school. At this point, I'd consider myself somewhere along the lines of Jaded/Sarcastic/Apathetic 2L. The 2L-3L evolution will probably be one of degree more than a drastic change into some other type of law student. In other words, look for me to become both more apathetic and sarcastic in the coming days of the blog...the typical law student evolution, right? Nothing new to see here, now move along.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

All Quiet on the Law Dungeon Front

I must apologize to our four readers (including myself) for the lack of blogging lately. There was a six day span beginning last week and continuing through this past Tuesday during which I didn't have a damn thing to do. No class, no work, no required reading, no girlfriend or friends in town who were available to do anything. The only thing to do has been to worry about grades and try to forget that I'm in law school. It was the first genuine break I've had pretty much since last August. Condolences go out to those who started summer jobs the Monday after finishing finals on the previous Thursday. I would love to have a real job with substantial pay and things to do, but the break was nice as well.

So I've been back in the library at 7:30 AM both yesterday morning and this morning. I don't really mind being on this schedule, but damn if it isn't more difficult to wake up at 6:30 AM than 9:00 AM even if I get the same amount of sleep. I'm also not sure why this feels like a different schedule than usual since my section had class at 8 AM four days per week last term. The mysteries of law school continue.

I would berate my fellow blog contributor for his lack of recent posts, but I think he's stuck working what he claims are 12 hour days for a firm close to home. It's hard to envy someone's job when he's the only clerk at a (relatively) small litigation firm. This position seems like it would be analogous to being an effeminate florist with small features who gets sent to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for sexually abusing his 7 year-old niece. Haha, just kidding...those guys get sent to STATE pound-me-in-the-ass prisons. Enjoy, Phaedrus.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Stomach is Rumbling

Yes...that is all. Perhaps eating breakfast 5+ hours before the anticipated lunch break wasn't such a good idea.

Expect more useless posts like this as the boredom gets progressively worse throughout the day.

Well...So It's Summer

The end of first year arrived with the proverbial drunken revelry, but it has departed in a boring and somewhat sober fashion. Everyone is gone for one reason or another. Most people are working for law firms in various cities around the state. However, this should not be interpreted as an indication that anyone in our class actually got a job through OCI. Almost everyone with a summer job got it through some connection related to family, previous work, etc.

Some students in the 2L class are doing summer programs in Switzerland or Australia. First, it's odd to think of ourselves as 2L's. It's also perhaps a little premature for a few people in the class who shall remain nameless. Anyone who actually reads his appellate brief at the podium and yells at the student judges during oral arguments has a good chance of being one of the few people to ever actually fail out of law school. Honestly, how bad does it have to be when the most awkwardly nice professor on the planet tells you that your argument was a "train wreck." Anyways...second...ah, to have money for traveling. I suppose I could have talked the parents into one of those programs considering that they were going to send dearest little sister to Egypt this summer. Yes, Egypt...really. I know people say "bumfuck Egypt" as a clever way of conveying the concept of "the middle of nowhere," but it really is Egypt this time. I'll have to get out of the country one of these days, but it just didn't feel quite right this summer. That's mostly the case because I didn't feel like spending my remaining loan money on a foreign summer program.

Some people are just taking a break and bumming around. I probably fall into this category at the moment in some sense, but it will only last for a couple of weeks before summer classes start and the beloved law review write-on competition materials are released. It's quite nice to have time to actually breathe and not feel guilty for doing anything not school or career-related. However, it's not so nice when your new part-time employer wants you to cover an entire day alone in the library starting at 7:30 AM when you have yet to even check out a book. I'm really just bitter because I have to be here at 7:30 AM...the job isn't so bad. It mostly consists of sitting at the desk ready to be helpful. I can read (leisure reading, holy shit!), play around on my laptop, and do pretty much anything else that isn't loud and/or obscene. Do-nothing jobs are great for about 3-4 hours at a time but agonizingly boring much beyond that, so I hope this all-day thing doesn't become the normal course of business.

Some people are having major dental procedures that will hopefully signal the beginning of the end of years of spending more hours in dentists' offices than anyone except the dentists themselves. Said people are missed very much.

Shit...I just realized that I'm still doing something school-related even though classes are not in session and I'm not working for a law firm. It really is impossible to escape.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Con Law - Part Eins

Well, here we are...the last final of year #1, fondly known as the Ninth Circle of Hell. I'm sitting here feeling overly confident about Prof. Son of a Bitch's Con Law exam. The last time I felt confident about an exam was for Evidence three days ago. Scrolling down to the previous post should tell you how that turned out. I've also developed some kind of sore throat in the last two days, so I've been popping Aleve Cold and Sinus as if it will actually help. So far my brain feels awake, but my body feels like I've been fighting an epic battle with that sexually frustrated crocodile again. Those of you with minds in the gutter shouldn't go there. OK, so maybe my mind went there too.

Here's hoping for questions with at least some indication of a clear answer. Regardless of how this exam goes, I fully intend to forget my name and where I live tonight.

To the first year of law school, here's a hearty "fuck you." Cheers.

Monday, May 7, 2007

The Curse of Evidence

Our Evidence professor has given the same type of exam for years now. It consists of 40 multiple choice questions, 10 of which have a space afterwards in which to explain why choice D is correct or incorrect. There is also a fairly short essay question. This essay question has been on differences between the FRE and the rules of evidence of this state every year for a long time now. He picks a particular area of evidence rules and essentially has students explain the differences in detail. This was common knowledge, and everyone has been obsessing about the subtleties of these differences for weeks. The 2L's and 3L's all assured us that he has given essentially this same test for as long as anyone can remember.

Direct quotes from an exchange during the exam review session on the last day of class in Evidence:

Professor: I hate reading long answers. The space provided will be more than enough for both the short answers and the essay.

Student: (looking directly at last year's FRE/ARE comparison essay, including sample answer, which was distributed at the review session) So you're not going to give us a fact pattern or anything for the essay?

Professor: Are you serious? I just said I don't like reading long answers, especially handwritten ones. If I gave you a fact pattern, you people would write way too much.

We got a complicated, confusingly worded fact pattern on the exam. It's like expecting to get a warm, fuzzy, playful puppy at Christmas, but when you open that big moving box with the air holes, a 16-foot starving and sexually frustrated crocodile jumps out.

I hate law school. I hate the fact that summer interships for two entire years (and to a large extent, initial post law school job offers) are determined on the basis of first year grades which mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except that some people are better at writing law school exam answers. No, I don't have poor grades.

I want to take a hostage. Oh wait, if I do indeed take a hostage sometime soon, this statement might be admissible under 803(3) as a statement of intent to prove that I actually took a hostage under the present state of mind hearsay exception.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Dear God...

T minus 8 minutes until the Property exam starts.

Poll: Should I

A) strangle myself with my laptop power cord before the exam
B) wait for the internal bleeding from the rape I'm about to experience to kill me in about 5 hours

Quick, I need advice.

Monday, April 23, 2007

What Does the Constitution Say About Nicknames?

El Guapo and I have been working on a comprehensive nickname list for our section. This is one of those things I feel like we should have done last semester, but oh well. Here are the nicknames, sans real names of course:

Above the Neck
Cheerleader
Moonbeam
Evita
Second Career
Trump
Token
Barbie
El Guapo
Chipper
The Line
Nose Gunner
Type A
Take Me Home
The Senator
Slackass
Marginal Utility
Not in the Constitution

It's a work in progress. We're trying to keep the names civil, but I must admit that it's been tempting to use "Stupid Fucking Question" and "Cock Weasel." I was never this mean before law school.

Hand-Talkers Get Carpal Tunnel

IM conversation re: Prof. Son of a Bitch:

El Guapo: is that a magnetic power bracelet on his arm
El Guapo: or some medicalert bling?
Guy Fawkes: no, it's definitely a magnetic bracelet
Guy Fawkes: didn't even notice that until you pointed it out
El Guapo: I wonder if it messes up his Wal-mart wristwatch and that's why we always leave at 11:55
Guy Fawkes: nice

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-23-07

"I doubt there’s going to be much interest in con law for the next couple of weeks considering you guys have three other exams to take. I’m getting the hell out of town. Life sucks and then you die.”

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-19-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

"Sometimes those Supreme Court appointees don't turn out the way they're supposed to. Like Justice Kennedy, who was supposed to make the court more conservative. Presidents get really pissed off when this happens. You just can't trust the bastards."

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-18-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

Sarcastically pouting: "I would have made it all make sense for you if they would let me be on the Supreme Court, but they didn’t want to. Oh, hell, I'm only 68 years old. There's still time."

Monday, April 16, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-16-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

“It’s a terrible thing, reading the damn Constitution. What a terrible way to interpret constitutional law.”

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

This is an Oral Exam - That's What She Said

Our second semester Legal Writing class is also known as "moot court" for a reason. We turned in two drafts of an appellate brief and are now preparing to do oral arguments in front of a panel of 3L's. I suppose this is fairly standard for most law schools, but they have removed all motivation for us to put forth any effort on this whatsoever.

1. It's graded on a high pass/pass/low pass/fail basis. A high pass gets you a grand total of 1% bonus on the final grade in the class.
2. The professors told us that they have NEVER given anything below a pass (read: full credit) to anyone in 10 years.
3. In the words of a 2L, you pretty much "have to piss on yourself" to fail.
4. Finals. Are. In. Two. Weeks.

They also felt the need to explain to us that the language one uses when arguing before an appellate court should be more formal than everyday conversation. "This is, like, not Bill & Ted's Excellent Oral Argument." Indeed.

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-11-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

"I’m not an interstate bigot. I’m not even an Alabama bigot. I’m just a Birmingham bigot, and therefore, Congress can’t regulate me.”

Monday, April 9, 2007

Help, Scalia's Disciples Are Teaching At My School

A certain federal circuit court of appeals judge is teaching a Federal Jurisdiction class at 8:15 on Mondays and Wednesdays next semester. Surprisingly (or not so if you think about it), this class did not fill up within 5 minutes for a few reasons.

1. It's at 8:15 AM. That's a good 2.5 hours before most of us are ready to be in class.
2. Most of the top ranked people in the class (not to be confused with most intelligent) are taking it, so the curve will probably be very high.
3. Who wants to take a class from the guy who will probably be the most hardcore professor at the law school next term, even surpassing our famous state-judge-turned-professor who once gave a convicted murderer 10,000 years in prison just to make a point?

I can just imagine walking into this guy's class at 8:20. "Mr. Guy Fawkes, it's very unprofessional to waste the court's, I mean the class's time by being late. I'm going to dock you half a letter grade under FRCP Rule 11 for having a dilatory motive in your attendance habits." No, thank you.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-6-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:
“There are enough Baptists left in Texas so that they won’t pass a lottery or allow casinos. Casinos in Baton Rouge are just stealing from our own people. I’m fine with them in Shreveport because then we’re stealing from Texans too. And they have too much damn money, so let them give us some of it.”

I think being from Louisiana gives this guy some kind of inferiority complex about Texas.

On another note, the blogger itself has been something of a bitch lately. I have been completely unable to sign in for the last few days, hence the lack of posting.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 4-4-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

“What do you think they were going to do with those chickens once they got to New York? Keep them there? Play with them?...no, they were pretty much going to slaughter them.”

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 3-28-07

“My mother used to have our new preachers over for lunch when we were younger. We’d have dinner, and then us kids would go outside and play football. I mean, what else are you going to do on a Sunday? Well, this one preacher wasn’t too comfortable with us playing football on what was supposed to be our day of rest, so Mother told us to come inside and do something a little quieter. A few minutes later she saw me heading over next door, and she asked me what I was doing. ‘I’m going over to Jimmy’s house to borrow his poker chips so we can do something a little quieter inside.’”

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 3-27-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

"They sometimes forget it down there, but Texas is actually…yes, a STATE.”

Monday, March 26, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 3-25-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

“We can only have a prostitution case if we have…right, sex. So the only way to make the case is if the judge has sex with the prostitute. Then we have good evidence.”

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Spring Breakish

Spring break was officially one of the best ever. Austin, TX is an amazing city, and the company was even better. It didn't even bother me that there were four 5-8 year old girls running around the house for a few days, and I usually don't care much for young children. The break came at a great time in terms of everyone needing a vacation, but it also served as a reminder of how great life can be away from law school.

It's amazing how quickly the week went by. I read about a week's worth of Contracts and worked on the brief a little bit, but that's about it. I'm going to spend the next week and a half kicking my own ass for not getting more done on the brief. The fact that the first draft turned out pretty well is probably making me overconfident in the final version. Here's hoping for that elusive one-per-section A...

God, the burnout is really starting to kick in.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 3-19-07

Prof. Son of a Bitch:

“Can we prohibit people from building atomic bombs?...well, yeah, unless you have a REALLY aggressive view of the 2nd Amendment.”

Friday, March 16, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 3-16-07 - Spring Break Edition #2

One of the best from the Prof. Son of a Bitch Official Archives.


Prof. Son of a Bitch:

“If a Jehovah’s Witness comes to my door, do I infringe his free speech rights if I say ‘get the hell off my property, I don’t need to go to heaven’?"

Monday, March 12, 2007

Prof. Son of a Bitch Daily, 3-12-07 - Spring Break Edition

Even though I am currently on a spring break hiatus from The War, I figured it would be good to post a little Prof. Son of a Bitch to keep the blog alive over the break.

Prof. Son of a Bitch: “What is the Declaration of Independence?...is it a constitution?”
Student: “it’s a declaration”
Prof.: “Yes, it has a different name, so it must be something different…what does it declare?”
Student: “um…independence”

Thursday, March 8, 2007

More Wasting Time...

Does He Look Like a Bitch?

Ahhh, Pulp Fiction, how we love thee.

Law School Can Die in a Fire

Phaedrus: The highlight of my spring break will be driving to City X to be told in person that i'm unemployable
Guy Fawkes: haha
Phaedrus: I may buy some new highlighters, that will be fun too
Guy Fawkes: that might just be a new low
Phaedrus: Hey, i've gone through my blue ones... if we're counting Good Student Points those are worth double
Guy Fawkes: two new lows back to back
Guy Fawkes: blog post time
Phaedrus: I know