Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Law Dungeon Release Date

My girlfriend and I were both slated to work in the library this fall semester, even though I never actually promised the resident Circulation Desk Lady that I would stick around. Since the girl is from out of state and I attended my law school's rival institution for undergrad, we aren't particularly big fans of our current school's football team. Circulation Desk Lady apparently took this to mean that at least one of us would be available to work during every home football game this season, even though there are approximately 8721098345 other circulation desk employees. What's worse, the home schedule is REALLY good this season, particularly with a new coach on board (read: a lot of friends/family coming from out of town).

Apparently Circulation Desk Lady is under the impression that students go to college football games for the express purpose of watching a football game. This is the same woman who once made an offhand comment about how "college kids these days think they can just go out and get drunk on Thursday because they think it's part of the weekend." She works at the law library and clearly has no idea about law school culture. Many of us in the stands aren't technically aware that we're AT a football game. We're often doing well to remember our own names on game weekends.

Today, I informed our Circulation Desk Lady that I won't be continuing work in the library for the fall term. I have trouble calling her my "boss" for all sorts of reasons I won't mention. In any case, she was not amused. She didn't really get upset with me on a personal level, but she did express some annoyance at the prospect of having to find a replacement.

Approximately two hours after informing Circulation Desk Lady of my decision, the library director (a very cool guy actually) sent out the following e-mail:

"If you're looking for gainful employment, the Library has an opening for a student desk assistant who is willing to work during football games during the fall semester. Please contact Circulation Desk Lady if you're interested.
Thanks, and welcome back."

I immediately spotted two glaring mistakes in the e-mail and anticipated their effects:

1. "welcome back": This phrase reminds students that the fall term begins very soon. It does not inspire positive emotions in any potential employee. Most e-mail recipients probably did not reach this point in the e-mail because of the second mistake. 60% of those who read this phrase groaned, rolled their eyes, and headed out to happy hour in an attempt to forget that they're in law school.

2. "who is willing to work during football games": This phrase caused 95% of the recipients to double over with laughter before permanently deleting the e-mail without further consideration. At least 50% of all recipients proceeded to format their hard drives to ensure that this phrase never appears in their inbox again.

Here is how he should have drafted the e-mail:

"If you're looking for gainful employment, the Library has an opening for a student desk assistant. The position mostly involves sitting around at the desk while bored to holy hell, which means that you can get paid to spend time studying, checking your e-mail, and playing Flash games on the Internet. We can work around your fall schedule, including football games. Please contact Circulation Desk Lady if you're interested.

Remember that there are still WEEKS of summer left before school starts again! Thanks."


Guy Fawkes said...

Just a disclaimer...I didn't quit because of the football thing. I quit because my schedule this fall is already pretty stacked, and I was also able to secure enough loan money to get me out of the library.

Phaedrus said...

This "gainful employment" email is almost as good as the summer job for those who have a "sense of outrage for injustice."