Google Search of the Day - 7/11/08

Today's search string is near and dear to my heart.

Google search of the day:
"what does top third meanin law school"

The quote is verbatim, including the lack of a space between "mean" and "in." Being in the top third probably means that you are more intelligent than most of the people ahead of you, but you are likely unmarried, not to mention lazier than the students in the top 10%. Top third in law school means you have a reasonable shot at making it onto your school's law review if grades are a factor, but you'll have to bust your ass on your student comment and Bluebook exam. It also means that you'll be infuriatingly close to the top 25%, which is the point at which some firms roundfile resumes. Being in the top third also means that you'll struggle in OCI because the big firms won't hire you, but smaller firms won't interview you either because they think the big firms WILL hire you.

Google Search of the Day - 7/10/08

Today's Google search string is more encouraging for all you optimistic little go-getters out there:

Google Search String of the Day:
"i suck at law school"

I'm going out on a limb and guessing that this ambitious searcher thinks he is terrible at all things related to law school. My friend, if you are so desperate that you are entering this search string into Google, it is time to reconsider getting that Ph.D in entomology that you always wanted.

After actually running this search, I was amused to find that the Brooklyn Law School 9-month employment statistics for the class of 2007 page is the first hit. Perhaps it is time for BLS to close its transfer program because a lot of "sucking" 1Ls are apparently finding their way into the BLS 2L class through that page.

I could not figure out why that BLS page was the first hit to save my life...then I thought about it a little bit. I wonder if someone at BLS, perhaps in the IT department, figured out a way to make "i suck at law school" find that BLS page. They then repeatedly Googled it and followed the link until it became the top hit for the desired search string. This sounds like something the All Against All bloggers would (should?) do with our school's Career Services Office page.

It's probably a big joke the BLS 3Ls tell the incoming 1Ls to scare them during the first few days of class. That's almost as good as selling pool passes.

A Fucking Rankings Post

The law school gods want my soul, and they're pretty close to getting it. Class rankings were just released, and I again raised my GPA by a substantial amount that allowed me to move up several spots in the class. Unfortunately, our class yet again lost JUST ENOUGH people from the bottom of the class to keep me from crossing over that ever-elusive top-X% cutoff I've been chasing since my first law school grades were released. This cutoff will string me along until final grades are released next spring, leaving me precisely one spot outside the cutoff.

I fucking give up. Fuck grades, fuck rankings, fuck the gamesmanship of letter grade avoidance, fuck job searching, fuck employment, fuck "T14" (whatever that really means) elitists, fuck law school, fuck the legal profession in general. What the fuck does it fucking take to move up in this system? How valid can an evaluation system really be when the evaluation criteria are complete bullshit and on top of that, there is no possible upward mobility?

Perhaps the answer to this problem is to game the system like most of the people ranked above me do. Fuck all these substantive classes, I'm going to look up the classes with the highest possible grade distributions and exclusively take those! After I get the ranking I want, I'll take non-graded classes and judicial externships so I can keep my GPA artificially inflated, thereby making it impossible for anyone to overtake me! I see the light at the end of the tunnel...it's the brilliant flash from the energy released when the law school gods finally sever my soul from my body and make me one of their minions.

It doesn't have to be like this

I went to Kentucky the other weekend to be in a friend's wedding. His sister was a 1L at UK and some people were asking us about law school. They were asking how hard the school work is in law school. I found myself explaining time and again that law school really isn't that hard. By that I mean, the classes aren't that hard. Make a good faith effort at reading and take good notes and you can get your B to A- and move on with your life. Take good notes and barely read and you can get a C to B and become a lawyer in three years anyway. Even here, you have a choice, it doesn't have to be hard to get through law school.

Let's say you decide to make a good faith effort at this law school thing. If you're smart, you can leave it alone, work 30 hours a week including actual going to class, and finish somewhere in the top 30%. [channeling John Belushi here] But noooooo.

If you get that high, odds are, you're an overachiever anyway. You want to be somebody. That's why you went to law school right? Oh yeah, that and the obligatory "making a difference in the world" thing. So what do you do?

You spend 80 hours over your summer break after your 9-5 clerkship writing a note for the hope that you will get selected for the "prestigious" honor of law review.

You then spend 4-5 more hours a week on average doing menial work for the law review so that some professor can publish an article that maybe the 10 other professorts in their specialty will read. This time can stretch as high as 15-20 hours if the professor who sent the article is well known enough in the field to send in a half done article and get published anyway.

If you are really a sucker, you can get bonus points for trying out for a minimal position on managing board which ups your work without really helping your resume like Phaedrus and myself.

You then try out for trial ad. Now if you don't try out, you have several hours of easy pass/fail trial ad classes ahead of you. If you do try out you get a minimum number of hours to audition for the chance to work your ass off.

Then comes moot court. If you try out for all three it is the sucker trifecta! You can spend hours upon hours writing and revising a brief that they won't give you the grade on and spend more hours preparing for oral arguments for which you recieve scores that absent a standard are meaningless.

All in all I think I've spent more time on "prestigious" extra curriculars in law school than on actual classes. Which brings me back to El Guapo's first rule of law school: If they say its prestigious, RUN!

Why can't I follow rule #1?

All this is to say kiddies, becoming a lawyer is easy. Turning off the switch to the ambition that made you want to be a lawyer is hard.

Pez Dispenser of Despair...and Irony

I like to say that law school occasionally doles out little pellets of encouragement, but it is generally a Pez dispenser of despair.  Today provided a prime illustration of this point.

First, I got an e-mail about getting a Best Paper in Prof. Hair Club's Administrative Law class.  Hooray, another irrelevant item to put on my resume!  This was the encouragement pellet for today.

I needed to move up exactly 6 spots in the rankings to move across one of those "cutoff" points in the class.  Of course, most students' GPAs increase after the first year because not all the classes are graded on a strict curve.  I was a sucker and took a couple of the big curved classes, the combined effect of which was to lower my GPA very slightly.  However, my overall GPA went up enough to make me confident that I could move into this other bracket.

When I got my ranking, I couldn't help but laugh.  I moved up precisely 6 spots!  However, our class somehow managed to lose 12 students despite gaining at least that many transfers.  Therefore, my current rank leaves me a grand total of 3 spots outside this cutoff.  As was the case last spring, my last reported grade was a lot lower than expected, and it probably bumped me far enough to keep me out.  I knew the material and the exam was easy, so I expected an A.  However, the registrar initially pressured the professor to lower his grades because there were too many A's, which means my B was probably an A but for forgetting to mention one or two tiny points in a 25 page document.  I won't know until exam review period.

Anyone who has read this blog much (I think there are roughly 5 of us) knows that I don't think grades mean much about any particular individual.  I don't think anything different about myself or anyone else based on grades.  Unfortunately, employers don't seem to feel the same way.  The practical reality is that good grades can be an enormous help in the job search, and some (bastard) employers round-file resumes based on class rank cutoffs.  

I don't think it's even the employment aspect of things that is disappointing.  I think it's that same disappointment that every law student who is close to one of these big cutoffs (and probably most other law students) must feel.  It's the disappointment of genuinely busting your ass to get somewhere, doing well enough to get there, and finding out that circumstances have changed and you can no longer get the satisfaction you sought after a semester of holy hell.  My reaction at this point is genuine laughter.  I should probably just file this away under the "Ironies of Law School" heading and forget about it because thinking about it will not accomplish anything.  At least I can laugh about it right now.

Shouldn't Be Worrying About This, But...

This question from our Business Organizations final is still getting under my skin two days later. You don't really have to know the fact pattern to answer the question because it is completely tangential to the main problem.  The only fact you need to know is that Percy wants his private equity firm to buy out X Corp., and Karl, playing the role of Made In the USA, is upset.  The professor let us keep the exam questions, so here it is verbatim:

"Karl, president of the Widget Workers of the World union local at X's factory, is concerned that the workers at X's factory will lose their jobs if Percy's plan is implemented.  If he communicates this concern to the Board of Directors, is it relevant to their determination of how to proceed?  Can Karl communicate his statement to the shareholders in the hope that they will not tender to Percy?"

The first question didn't bother me too much.  The professor was probably looking for the idea that directors' primary duty is to the shareholders, but that they can also consider "other factors" in deciding the best course of action.  The second question is what bothers me.

After reading the second question during the exam, my first thought was "Karl has a First Amendment right to speak to anyone he wants about any topic unless it incites violence or is treasonous (among other things)."  The fucker could walk up to the shareholders on the street carrying a giant neon sign that says "DON'T TENDER TO PERCY, HE SEXUALLY TORTURES KITTENS," and the worst thing that would happen is Percy would sue him for defamation (assuming that Percy doesn't actually abuse baby cats).  Maybe the local police would ticket him for demonstrating without a permit.

Some of my classmates decided that the professor was looking for a discussion of shareholder proxy statements, which is probably true.  However, we spent every bit of 15 minutes through the entire semester covering proxy statements in class.  I'm not even sure any of the assigned cases discussed them.  I had a proxy statement section (courtesy of Legalines) in my outline, but what good is an outline when you completely miss the issue because the professor didn't teach the material (or assign any substantial reading on it) and worded the question so it sounded like Con Law version 2.0?

Before any of you say "well, you DID spend 15 minutes on it in class, so it was fair game even though it sucks"...perhaps.  We also spent a couple of weeks of class on securities fraud under 10(b)-5 of the Securities and Exchange Act, and it wasn't mentioned on the exam.  Something about this is not right.  I don't have a problem with detailed questions, but it really chaps my ass to be tested on material the course didn't cover, especially when substantial portions of course material are completely omitted.

Interestingly enough, I thought the exam went well overall.  That one question just really bothers me for some reason.

Northwestern School of Medicine E-mail Scandal

Here are three emails (in chronological order) that were sent out to applicants who had interviewed with the office of admissions. Apparently, Med. School admissions in a multi-step process and if you are selected to interview it is a big deal.

Dear [Name Redacted],

Thank you for interviewing with us---however, we decided that you are not worthy to be a Feinberg School of Medicine student. Please do not contact us, and realize that sleeping with the head of the department will not assist you to be acceptance.

However, if you perceive yourself in the future as [Name Redacted], MD, I suggest one of our finer international schools.

Best,

Pamela Meadows

____________________________________________

Pamela A. Meadows , M.Ed.

Special Projects Coordinator, Admissions
p-meadows@northwestern.edu

Northwestern University
Feinberg School of Medicine
303 East Chicago Avenue
Chicago, IL 60611-3008
P: (312) 503-8206 F: (312) 503-0550
www.medschool.northwestern.edu
*Note: My last day of employment is Friday, November 30. Please contact the Admissions Front Desk at (312) 503-8206 for any questions.

Then the admissions office sent out the following e-mail:

Good evening Feinberg applicants,



On Tuesday November 27, 2007 at 5:33pm, it came to my attention that an email in my name has been sent to interviewed applicants about a decision written in a most inappropriate and offense nature. This email is erroneous. The email sent is completely and utterly false. It disturbs me professionally and personally that this occurred prior to my departure to the Feinberg School of Medicine.



Please disregard any email message sent regarding your status as a Feinberg medical applicant. Your OFFICIAL status is obtained only through an official hard-copy letter mailed to your current residency by the Dean of Admissions. All other updates occur through the secure applicant website on the Feinberg School of Medicine webpage.



Pamela Meadows

Finally, one of the Deans sent an e-mail to the applicants

Dear Applicant:



I am writing to explain that you may have received unauthorized emails yesterday from the admissions office at the Feinberg School of Medicine. An employee sent an email with false information presented in a grossly unprofessional and offensive manner. A second email was sent to another group of our interviewed applicants asking that the first be disregarded. Hence you may have received one or two unauthorized emails.



I wish to personally apologize for these mailings and to assure you of the following:



1. No action has yet been taken on your application by our admissions committee. All current information regarding your application status is available on our secure website.



2. The responsible individual is no longer with Northwestern University and does not have access to any university property including personal information such as your email address, AMCAS number, etc.



3. Our Information Technology department has assured me that all applicant information is secure.



Again, I apologize for this event and the distress it has caused. Please contact me if you have any questions.



Sincerely,



Warren H. Wallace, MD

Associate Dean for Admissions

I find it interesting that the first "prank" e-mail was sent out three days before Meadows' last day on the job. If I were pissed off at my employer and wanted to go out with a boom, I would sent out a crass e-mail and claim that my e-mail had been "hacked"

For You Med-Mal Types - Another Link

I'm sorry sir, your wife died on the operating table

OK, so maybe the act in the strip is more along the lines of a battery or a criminal charge of rape.

Analogy: Westlaw = Heroin?

Having free, unlimited access to Westlaw spoils law students because Westlaw is anything but free and unlimited in practice.  This is like having free, unlimited heroin before discovering that the hypothetical real world only has poppy seeds.

I have no clue what got me started thinking about Westlaw (or heroin).

John Tool Bag, Esquire

There is currently an old Chevrolet Malibu parked in the student lot with a tag that reads "ESQUIR."  I might not think twice about it if it was parked in the faculty lot, but it struck me as odd that some student decided it would be cool to get a premature self-congratulatory license plate.  This person is probably destined to fail out of law school and be stuck with the ESQUIR plate as a constant reminder of failure.

On another note, one more paper is finished.  I somehow cranked out almost 8,000 words in just a few days, a significant improvement over the 3,500 words in a few weeks pace I managed on my law review comment.  I really think footnoting consumes roughly 2/3 of the time I spend doing legal writing, so it's a lot faster when the professor doesn't care about footnoting or pincites at all.

Oh joy, exams await.

How Bad Is It...

...when you interview with a firm and receive a rejection letter three business days later? Actually, that isn't so uncommon, especially at firms with quick turnaround times.

How about this...how bad is it when you know that same firm was still interviewing people at the time you received the rejection letter? Not only that, this is the one private firm in which you were genuinely interested through two cycles of OCI and dozens of mail merged resume/cover letter combos. It's essentially like they said "we so desperately do not want to work with you that we're willing to take the chance that the ten remaining candidates we haven't met yet are just as terrible as you."

I'll analogize it to dating, which is the only convincing analogy I've heard for the job search process. It's a lot like meeting a beautiful girl at a bar (I'm a guy here, not going to use the gender-neutral terminology), getting her phone number , and going on a date with her. You hit it off, have everything in common (including some rather unusual interests and qualities), and you end the night by taking her to your place to engage in some extracurricular activities. When you get to the door, she suddenly kicks you in the shin, throws a left hook into your ribs, knees you in the face, and runs away down the street. Two weeks later, you see her out at the bar with a short, fat guy who works as a janitor at the local Denny's.

It just can't be easy, can it?

Oh, the Irony

So I've been compiling a list of firms to which I will be sending resumes very shortly. Very few firm web sites contain any information about recruitment or employment, so I was elated to finally run across one that had a whole section entitled "Employment Opportunities." Here is an actual screenshot of what I found:


The page is fully loaded. It pretty much sums up the job search so far.

Great Moments in Career Services and OCI History

1. In the midst of spring interviews, CSO sends an e-mail to 1L's offering "opportunities" to work for free to those who have a "sense of outrage at injustice." See this post for details.

2. Phaedrus interviews with a firm from the same city that is overflowing with cheesy tourist attractions, mascots with huge foam heads, screaming children, and Imagineers. The interviewer tells Phaedrus that one of the best things about the firm is how open-minded they are. Phaedrus seizes this opportunity to score brownie (kissass) points by talking about how social justice begins with the legal profession. Phaedrus also mentions that he disagrees with his private Baptist undergrad school's reluctance to add sexual orientation to their anti-discrimination policy. The interviewer spends the next 20 minutes describing his experiences with coming out of the closet. Phaedrus furiously backpedals by mentioning his GIRLfriend (emphasis added by Phaedrus). The interviewer touches Phaedrus on the arm and says, "Oh honey, I was married for 20 years."

3. Big Corporate Firm schedules 10 minute interviews all day. The interviewer proceeds to tell all candidates that the firm "likes to interview as many people as possible," and that they're only hiring for two clerk positions. Big Corporate Firm is also interviewing students from at least two other schools that we know of. The firm sends an e-mail rejection letter to at least one candidate.

4. Big Firm #2 schedules on-campus interviews with approximately 20 students. One day before the interview date, Big Firm #2 sends the following e-mail to the Career Services Office (CSO): "We have filled our positions for next summer and will not be conducting on-campus interviews." Guy Fawkes registers the firm's address on the NAMBLA newsletter mailing list.

5. Guy Fawkes arrives for back to back interviews with Firm 1 and Firm 2 a few minutes early. An interviewer approaches Guy Fawkes and says, "We're running a little early, would you mind coming on back?" Guy Fawkes accepts because he is actually early for the interview, so it is reasonable to assume that the interviewer is from the correct firm. Immediately after finishing the interview, Guy Fawkes learns that someone didn't show for an interview with Firm 2, which is why they were running early. Guy Fawkes is mortified because he almost dropped the firm's name during the interview. Only the grace of some higher power (or for you nihilists, pure dumb luck) prevents disaster. The people with whom Guy Fawkes should have been interviewing have a good laugh at Guy's expense and get the impression that he is clueless.

6. Describing the events in #5 drives me to learn how to refer to myself in the third person so I can sound more like a tool.

7. Big Firm #1 (see supra, item 3) distributes a form letter at the end of each interview. The letter says "please do not send a thank-you note." Most candidates have trouble containing their laughter.

8. An interviewer from a small firm in a smaller city market interviews roughly 15 people without asking a single question. He spends the entirety of each 20 minute interview droning on about how wonderful it is to work for a firm without any established clients because "you never know what kind of work you'll be doing when you get to the office." Guy Fawkes understands his perspective, but thinks that isn't the best way to sell one's firm to candidates.

9. CSO e-mails for almost every job fair contain the following as the first several lines (scaled down so it doesn't dominate the post): *ATTENTION* LEGAL CAREER FAIR *ATTENTION* The substantive information in each e-mail takes up less space than the attention line.

10. A CSO employee with "Assistant Dean" in his/her job title is photographed at various bars around town while hammered and hitting on undergrads. The pictures make it to Facebook shortly thereafter.

11. Much-beloved CSO employee inexplicably quits the job. It is rumored that she found a large amount of porn on another employee's computer, prompting her abrupt departure (see supra, item 10). This rumor is unconfirmed by the blog contributors, but somehow, it's not surprising.