Friday, September 28, 2007


This article for law review fooled me. I thought it was in good shape. See supra post Odds & Ends. Now that I'm into it good, I realize the author has made the same mistake over and over again. It isn't an easy to fix mistake like adding a comma here or there. She is failing to cite to her original source and is instead citing to herself citing to the original source. I hate this author. I hate this article.

Advice to law tots and prospective law students. Slack Off!

Had I not been such an attractive candidate I would not be at this nationally ranked state law school. I would be at the short bus kids private school up the road in the big city that actually get hired by employers in that city.

Had I not worked hard and finished high in the class, I wouldn't be on the law review and I wouldn't be wasting so much time in on campus interviewing when I know most of them go nowhere. I wouldn't be spending my Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays in the dungeon part of the library.

Law school is filled with suckers and I'm sucker number one. Be like me kiddies! Work hard, put a good product out there, and be proud knowing that someone with a worse resume is paying twice as much tuition at a third tier law school, sitting on their ass getting hired by firms that won't give you the time of day. At the end of the day, all you can say is this.

The only thing that keeps me going is this speech by Pat Dye.

Cause there ain't a damn thing I can do but go out and work harder and run up against the wall again and again. Eventually, it will turn out alright.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Today's Self-Esteem Builder

I got a rejection letter today from a firm to which I did not apply. I even double checked to make sure I didn't drop a resume for their OCI visit. What's worse, I didn't even drop for or apply to a firm in this firm's ENTIRE CITY.

Today's absurd conspiracy theory: CSO has software that generates rejection letters on letterhead from imaginary law firms. They also monitor students' job search from black helicopters such as this one:

Monday, September 24, 2007

Odds & Ends

I am grateful for this Law Review article that came to me pre-spade in good shape.

Odd OCI strategy I'm trying and so far having luck with: I'm using presumptive closes in questioning. I'm asking questions that force them to make a choice that presupposes they have already selected me without using a preface like "Assuming you select me." I'm hoping this allows them to subconsciously think that they've already selected me and we're going into details of the post selection process. For the singles out there it is a useful bar pickup tool as well. I have no idea if it worked with Big Easy firm or not but they were the first I used it on and I got an offer so I'm using it from here on out. I'm turning the meat market that is OCI into a pickup bar and I am not ashamed.

I have to prepare a cross and direct examination for trial ad tomorrow night. I think it would surprise a lot of people to know you can graduate law school without knowing trial procedure and that you don't learn it at all before second year in any practical sense.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Barry Bonds Used Hank Aaron's Bat to Crack the Liberty Bell

Shamelessly stolen from Law Bitches: Jonathan Lee Riches, Master of the Frivolous Lawsuit

Read the "Federal lawsuits filed after incarceration" section. It's long, but I guarantee you that it's worth it.

Here are a few gems to whet your appetite:

1. filed a suit against Michael Vick alleging that Vick was involved in the Pan Am 103 explosion in Scotland, requested damages of 662,000,000,000,000 trillion dollars in British gold delivered by J.B. Hunt Trucking to the front-gate of FCI Williamsburg prison

2. filed a suit against a wide variety of defendants, including The Hague, the Geneva Convention, and the Bataan Death March, requested damages of 728 trillion dollars backed by gold and silver

3. filed a suit against the Mossad, the CIA, and Larry King Live, alleging that King is a voodoo witch doctor and that the defendants conspired to "hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH"

Will work for beads

Just got a summer offer in Big Easy. It isn't the city I most want to work in but the office is in a GREAT location. If nothing comes up closer to home, I'll go there in a heartbeat. Encouraging to know I won't be selling carpet cleaning again anyway!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

False Alarm

My phone started ringing in Professor Hairclub's class. It was an unknown number with an area code from the city I really want to work in. Thanks to the helpful tips I recieved from my career services newsletter, I knew exactly what to do. I let it ring. After class I went to a quiet spot to return the call so as to avoid being near friends shouting profanities. I took a breath, hit redial...

And it was a wrong number. I still don't believe these callbacks exist.

On the bright side I had an interview with a group from the Big Easy. I could work there. If not, I'll have another letter in my mailbox telling me how proud I should be of my academic progress.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Undergrads in the Library

Phaedrus: i've got to figure out how i can find out her name
Phaedrus: i might go pretend i lost something, and act like i left it with the morning girl and try to remember her name
Phaedrus: i mean, there's a reason cute undergrads work in the library here
Guy Fawkes: clearly it's to meet eligible 2L's
Phaedrus: heck yeah it is
Phaedrus: i'd date this one
Phaedrus: she's up to my sober standards
Phaedrus: but speaking of getting fucked
Phaedrus: i've got to go interview

We are such law students. Phaedrus is of the "that guy" variety.

Great Moments in Career Services and OCI History

1. In the midst of spring interviews, CSO sends an e-mail to 1L's offering "opportunities" to work for free to those who have a "sense of outrage at injustice." See this post for details.

2. Phaedrus interviews with a firm from the same city that is overflowing with cheesy tourist attractions, mascots with huge foam heads, screaming children, and Imagineers. The interviewer tells Phaedrus that one of the best things about the firm is how open-minded they are. Phaedrus seizes this opportunity to score brownie (kissass) points by talking about how social justice begins with the legal profession. Phaedrus also mentions that he disagrees with his private Baptist undergrad school's reluctance to add sexual orientation to their anti-discrimination policy. The interviewer spends the next 20 minutes describing his experiences with coming out of the closet. Phaedrus furiously backpedals by mentioning his GIRLfriend (emphasis added by Phaedrus). The interviewer touches Phaedrus on the arm and says, "Oh honey, I was married for 20 years."

3. Big Corporate Firm schedules 10 minute interviews all day. The interviewer proceeds to tell all candidates that the firm "likes to interview as many people as possible," and that they're only hiring for two clerk positions. Big Corporate Firm is also interviewing students from at least two other schools that we know of. The firm sends an e-mail rejection letter to at least one candidate.

4. Big Firm #2 schedules on-campus interviews with approximately 20 students. One day before the interview date, Big Firm #2 sends the following e-mail to the Career Services Office (CSO): "We have filled our positions for next summer and will not be conducting on-campus interviews." Guy Fawkes registers the firm's address on the NAMBLA newsletter mailing list.

5. Guy Fawkes arrives for back to back interviews with Firm 1 and Firm 2 a few minutes early. An interviewer approaches Guy Fawkes and says, "We're running a little early, would you mind coming on back?" Guy Fawkes accepts because he is actually early for the interview, so it is reasonable to assume that the interviewer is from the correct firm. Immediately after finishing the interview, Guy Fawkes learns that someone didn't show for an interview with Firm 2, which is why they were running early. Guy Fawkes is mortified because he almost dropped the firm's name during the interview. Only the grace of some higher power (or for you nihilists, pure dumb luck) prevents disaster. The people with whom Guy Fawkes should have been interviewing have a good laugh at Guy's expense and get the impression that he is clueless.

6. Describing the events in #5 drives me to learn how to refer to myself in the third person so I can sound more like a tool.

7. Big Firm #1 (see supra, item 3) distributes a form letter at the end of each interview. The letter says "please do not send a thank-you note." Most candidates have trouble containing their laughter.

8. An interviewer from a small firm in a smaller city market interviews roughly 15 people without asking a single question. He spends the entirety of each 20 minute interview droning on about how wonderful it is to work for a firm without any established clients because "you never know what kind of work you'll be doing when you get to the office." Guy Fawkes understands his perspective, but thinks that isn't the best way to sell one's firm to candidates.

9. CSO e-mails for almost every job fair contain the following as the first several lines (scaled down so it doesn't dominate the post): *ATTENTION* LEGAL CAREER FAIR *ATTENTION* The substantive information in each e-mail takes up less space than the attention line.

10. A CSO employee with "Assistant Dean" in his/her job title is photographed at various bars around town while hammered and hitting on undergrads. The pictures make it to Facebook shortly thereafter.

11. Much-beloved CSO employee inexplicably quits the job. It is rumored that she found a large amount of porn on another employee's computer, prompting her abrupt departure (see supra, item 10). This rumor is unconfirmed by the blog contributors, but somehow, it's not surprising.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Career Services Career Fair

I just got an email from career services advertising a career fair. Applicants are encouraged to wear business attire and bring a student ID. Employers included run the gamut from Abercrombie and Fitch (retail), Carmax, Enterprise Rent-A-Car, Pet Smart, Sandestin Golf and Beach Resort, Waffle House, and Wal-Mart Distribution centers. They have officially given up on finding us legal work and want me to scatter, smother, cover, and chunk hashbrowns for minimum wage. It could explain how this woman has given me such great legal advice at 4AM.

I have never been so insulted in my life.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Distant Connection

So I just found out I have a distant connection to the guy interviewing me today. His wife did the flowers for one of my better friends growing up's wedding and he is good friends with my friend's wife's dad. I have met my friends wife only a few times and I've never met her dad. How do you imply a connection without it sounding like the first 45 seconds of this clip?

I hate playing the who you know card anyway.

Did you ever think about that, father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate? It could be his former roommate or his cousin's former roommate. At most distant it is his cousin's cousin's roommate.I'm thinking way to hard about this...

Up on Friday

I just came up at 8:15 for a make up class for Judge Federalist's class. When I got inside I saw a rush of my classmates coming out. When I got to the top of the stairs, Spicoli told me someone else was in the room and our makeup wasn't until 10:10. I just wish they had told me sooner.

After its done I have to wait around until 4 for a job interview with a major legal market firm. The firm is sending a name partner who went to this institution for undergrad. I'll bet anything he put it on this Friday to go to the game tomorrow and get a head start on tailgating.

They are interviewing the usual group of 12-15 students I see every time I go into the interview office. I want to send an email asking if I'm one of the five they drove to see or the ten they chose to fill time.

Note: This is NOT me complaining about a job search going lousy. I'm just complaining about having to be at school all day on a Friday.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - 9/12/07

“The worst behavior in today’s cases is the chocolate manufacturers who wanted to keep chocolate milk in the school lunch program. Chocolate is goooooooooodddddd kiddies! What’s a little fat and sugar among friends?”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

So this is what it's like

After more than 20 OCI's during the course of 6 months I got a callback interview. It isn't in the town I want more than anything in the world but it is in a town with a lot of tourist attractions and history. Not a bad place to spend a summer if it comes down to it. Maybe not a bad place to live.

I guess I can't complain about job searching for at least the rest of the week. I mean I've always heard callbacks do exist, I just never believed it until now!

Job Search

Well I've been denied yet another interview in the big city in the county I reside for who knows what reason. I did get offered an interview at the happiest place on earth. I guess I'll be defending Goofy from the people who were injured due to his negligence as a contractor.

I was asked in a scholarship application if I intended to reside in the big city in my county and work there as a lawyer when I graduate. How can I answer that? Yes I do intend to work there if you intend to let me?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Actual Photo of Career Services

A photo of our career services office at our law school. I was just told by a rep in this office that there is no rhyme or reason to how firms select those they choose for interviews. If they can't figure it out, I give up.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - Off Day Archives

Prof. Hair Club:

"This guy had a big-ass paddle, and I think he enjoyed doing it to the students. I guess he was a masochist…or rather I guess you should say he was a sadist, though he may have been a masochist. Maybe he was there paddling himself too. In any case, you could hear it when he was up there paddling them, ‘WHACK, WHACK, WHACK!’”

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Prof. Hair Club - 9/5/07

“Are agencies motivated by fairness? Do EPA employees lay awake at night wondering ‘oh, I wonder if I treated that paper mill fairly, oh I just don’t know’? Probably not, because what really motivates people? Money, fear…you know, the usual.”

El Guapo

The authors of this blog have invited me, El Guapo, to post. I have accepted, because, like them, I don't have enough to do in my life as a 2L. I am on Law Review and the Trial Ad team. I am expecting my first child in a month. I have a full load but not enough chances to complain about law school life.

For those who don't get the reference of my name, it is a shout out to the greatest comedic villian of the 1980's El Guapo, the Mexican Bandit and Eli Wallach parody of The Three Amigos.

I shall return with a plethora of posts

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

"Off Week" from Law Review

To do list (so far) for this 4 day week:

Law Review:
1. pick up state case law assignment for law review
2. do state case law assignment
3. think of a good law review note topic
4. figure out which professors to harass about being my faculty sponsor for the note
5. harass professor(s) about being my sponsor
6. write note topic memo

1. read for Prof. Hair Club's Admin Law class
2. read 872109834 pages for Local Gov't Law since I'm definitely on call
3. make it to the local police department to get fingerprinted for the bar association - just received notice that the ones I sent back in February weren't good enough
4. interviews Thursday and Friday
5. revise resume and cover letters
6. blanket firms all over the state w/ revised documents from #5
7. meet with career services person re: on whom I have to perform oral sex to get a job for next summer

1. pay rent since the office was closed for Labor Day from Sept. 1-3, leaving a one day window to pay rent on time
2. list football tickets on eBay (going to do during class)
3. figure out all the random stuff I need from Target (also a class activity)
4. go to Target
5. get a haircut before interviews
6. figure out why my desktop PC still isn't working even though I rebuilt it last night (probably a dead or dying hard drive) - fix if possible
7. figure out why other two BRAND NEW hard drives never worked with the old motherboard and still aren't registering on the new one
8. order new hard drive(s) or RMA the dead-on-arrival pieces of crap depending on what I figure out (read: more money)

1. make blog post bitching about having too much random shit to do

Thank god, at least the primary hard drive still works. I even managed to reinstall Windows without destroying all the files I had neglected to back up. Hooray.