Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Night Before Christmas...Legal Power Nerd Version

Author Unknown

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
house") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar
plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and
said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such
time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.,
kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur
upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to
said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did
immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause
of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
identified the animal co-conspirators by name Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the
Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that
an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the
Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys
and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without
prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via
the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and
other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco
in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items constituting transfers to minors
of present property in contravention of 26 U.S.C. 250 (c)).

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew,rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof here the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.



El Guapo said...

Santa was then sued for trespass to real property and intentional infliction of emotional distress for forcing images associated with a religious holiday upon secular children in their own home against constitutional privacy guaranteed in Lawrence v. Texas.

I was also dissapointed that the manner of ownership of the house wasn't specified. Was in fee simple absolute? Rented? Fee simple determinable? Details details...

Guy Fawkes said...

The relevant court would have a fun time gaining jurisdiction over Santa Claus. The case would have to be dismissed unless someone could manage to serve process on Santa while he was in the relevant jurisdiction (in the air while riding in his sleigh would suffice). Perhaps a late-night vigil involving milk, cookies, and service of process would be in order.