Breaking News: "Raccoon Mailer" Arrested!

Recently, one of our dear compatriots, the raccoon himself, was caught while attempting to create more mayhem. This time, the ever-anonymous raccoon was allegedly attempting to steal beer from a private residence. The following are surveillance photos and police press release images of our noble and unjustly imprisoned friend. We are currently pressing the police for authentication of these images, but they have been uncooperative so far.


Supposed surveillance image of our raccoon breaking and entering through the rear entrance of a private residence. Note that the raccoon's face does not appear in the image, making true identification impossible. The police clearly have the wrong raccoon in custody:



Here we see another unauthenticated "surveillance image" of the raccoon allegedly taking beer from a private residence. While our raccoon loves beer (especially Sam Adams Lager when it's on sale at the grocery store), the first thing HE would have done is tear those wires out of the computer in the background. Our raccoon would have likely used the stapler in the photo to staple the Sam Adams box to the destroyed computer wires. Also, who the fuck has security cameras inside their house, particularly ones that zoom in on a specific spot on the desk??? I smell entrapment.




First police press release mugshot of the raccoon. The profile angle clearly shows that this raccoon is obese, whereas our raccoon can literally fly and deliver business reply envelopes! There's no way he could do that if he was a fatass like this pathetic excuse for a raccoon.



Second police press release mugshot of our fuzzy friend. Note that the whiskers and nose are indistinguishable from those of other raccoons. Also note the ominous shadow in the background, which closely resembles the raccoon...THERE IS NO LIGHT BEHIND THE POLICE CAMERA. This is clearly a case of mistaken identity, or perhaps haunting:


Please, we implore you...contribute to the raccoon's bail and defense fund!

Wireless Internet: How to Hack a Secure System

I am sitting on Phaedrus's couch as I write this post. I am on Phaedrus's laptop, through which he has been leeching Comcast broadband service for over one year. Here is an illustrative anecdote to explain the intelligence level of the average [school] football fan here:

Instructions for "hacking" into a wireless network in this city:

1. acquire a computer capable of detecting wireless connections
2. allow computer to automatically detect wireless connections within range
3. select wireless network entitled "WinorLoseWeBooze#1"
4. 1st attempted password: "default"
5. 2nd attempt: "admin"
6. 3rd attempt: "password"
7. slap self for lack of insight
4. remind self that this is a football school
5. remind self that 90% of fans at this school are hammered by 5 AM (even for night games) on gameday
6. remind self it is Saturday
7. remind self there is a rivalry game today, kickoff 6 PM
8. 4th attempt: "[wearepennstate]"
9, load homepage
10. impose externality on Comcast and their customers
11. cry self to sleep several hours later because someone with the common sense to lock a wireless connection made it that easy
12. realize that among other things, "hacking" is not the correct term because it implies a degree of difficulty that at approaches Candyland

Insomnia...

I have gotten a total of one hour of sleep in the past 48 hours, yet I am wide awake with no signs of slowing down. Therefore, here is a cat-related picture:



Quick, someone fill in the logic between the two sentences above the pie-eating feline.

Overheard in the Office - 7/22/08

Overheard in the basement computer lab eight of the AG's office clerks have invaded:

Church of Christ Clerk: "How many Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?...Light bulbs aren't mentioned in the New Testament and thus should not be incorporated into contemporary worship services."

Church of Christ Clerk: "How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?"
Southern Baptist Clerk: "You have to form a committee first."
Church of Christ Clerk: "...change?...huh?"

Sexism in the Workplace: A Lesson from Google Chat

Ladies, take note. Do NOT get involved with, date, sleep with, kiss, touch, associate with, or especially marry our new blogger. He will claim you as .7 of a person for tax purposes, and you don't need all those headaches from the IRS.

Disclaimer: The views expressed over various IM services by any individual blogger do not reflect the views of this blog and are posted solely as a public service so our readers can avoid being sexually harassed by mootgoescow. If you take this seriously for any reason, you officially have no sense of humor and should immediately commit suicide by ingesting several boxes of rat poison.

Guy Fawkes: I would be perfect happy if the two of you ended up happily married with 14.7 children

mootgoescow: gross

Guy Fawkes: what, the .7 children?

i know, dividing kids up is disgusting...it can be an extremely bloody process

mootgoescow: no, that's easily explained by us having one girl

the 14 part is gross

Guy Fawkes: wait, girls are only .7 of a child?

mootgoescow: yea

Guy Fawkes: so a woman is only .7 of a person?...or does the ratio change somewhere along the way

mootgoescow: no they're only .7 of a person

when have girls ever really been our equals? please

Guy Fawkes: nice

brb, i need to visit the blog real quick so i can alienate all our female readers

mootgoescow: haha
oh that's going to be bad

Recent Ironies and Other Minutiae

It seems as though our bloggers have gotten off to a good start at our respective summer jobs. I am solidly on the government lawyer track, as I am working for the Office of General Counsel for the University of Texas System for the first half and the state AG's office in my home state during the second half.

The UTOGC office seems like a great place to be. It's laid back (read: no suit and tie dress code), yet quite busy at the same time. The workload will be sufficient to keep me busy, which is always nice because I despise having nothing to do at work. Plus, it's in Austin TX, perhaps one of the most amazing places to live in the country (world?). The city is well-planned, clean, and relatively safe. There is a broad range of activities available to suit almost any taste, including live music of all kinds, sports events, the most diverse bar scene I've ever encountered through my admittedly limited experience, art museums, great restaurants, political meetings, etc. On top of that, it's within easy driving distance of Schlitterbahn, the world's largest water park, and a Six Flags location. I'm no hippie, but there is something nice about living in a place where "keep [the city] weird" is the semi-official local slogan. It's one of the little blue islands in the great red sea of Texas. On my first day out to lunch, I was accosted by Greenpeace demonstrators and a guy who was freewheeling downhill in what appeared to be a wheelchair designed for racing. Austin is an interesting place indeed.

Some recent tidbits I found amusing:

1. While sorting out the inevitable IT issues one encounters when starting a new office-type job, I had occasion to visit the UT Office of Technology and Information Services. When the tech went to print the form that would allow me to upgrade my user account, he discovered that his computer did not have the proper printer installed.

2. While watching a VH1 episode of Sex: The Revolution, I noticed that they had to censor all the nudity. Apparently the revolution has not reached FCC regulations.

3. Saving Private Ryan was on TNT, and they did not censor any words except "fuck." However, other programs on TNT change "Jesus Christ" to "cheese and rice" and do not allow the use of "God damn" or any of its iterations. If they can air the word "bullshit" a few dozen times during a movie, why on earth are they still worried about offending the sensibilities of religious people who are probably already changing the channel because of the "cursing"? I'm all for just letting it all out, sensibilities be damned.

Finals- The Unhealthiest Time of the Year

Studying for ConLaw just rubs this in my face: The Free Exercise Clause reminds me that we have a beautiful student recreation center with broad hours of operation that is free for me to use.

Two Days of Quotes

Yesterday, during an IM conversation with my girlfriend:

Me:  We're watching a Lifetime movie in Environmental Law.  A.  Lifetime.  Movie.

Girlfriend:  Fagbulous.

Girlfriend:  Oh god...that was a typo, but so appropriate.

Introducing Prof. JDate, my very Jewish Law and Econ professor (only called Prof. JDate because he's mentioned it several times, not because I'm antisemitic):

Prof. JDate:  "I can take my peanuts and my beer and have fun while the child drowns.  That's really OK under tort law.  In fact, we LIKE that part of tort law."

Law School Took My Soul: They won't understand

I got a really stupid parking ticket at the student recreation center today. I quickly approached the ticket nazi and she said "I could see your decal it will be fine just appeal it." So I wrote my appeal and submitted it only. Come to find out, it is a student run board. Poor undergrads, they will have no clue what I'm arguing and will probably enforce the citation just because they think I'm a douche for making a valid argument. I might have to pull out the old school fraternity shirts that I haven't worn in 5 years to make my appeal. What if my ticket nazi isn't around? I doubt that she will be. I doubt I could get it tossed on Sixth Amendment grounds. Certainly, I could appeal it to a real court (kidding); these citations have to infringe upon interstate commerce... everything affects interstate commerce.

Here is what i filed with the parking authority:

I was given a citation for "Improper Affix Permit" with the comment "Permit behind law school decal." I appeal because my decal was displayed within the guidelines provided by the school. The rules state "18.Failure to display a current parking permit while on campus will result in the issuance of a parking citation. All charges, including tow charges and the purchase of current permit will be assessed before the vehicle is released." I was displaying a valid and current parking permit (the law school decal and commuter decal). The law school decal was hanging from the rearview mirror face out facing the windshield (as is often necessary to access the law school parking lot). Furthermore, the law school decal is a valid, unique (it has a parking number), and official parking decal (it must be given by the law school registrar). The law school decal is only issued to currently enrolled law students who have purchased a regular commuter decal. Law school parking is only available at the law school in connection with a commuter parking decal. Therefore, the law school decal directly establishes that the owner is a SE Commuter. Behind the law school decal was my commuter parking decal, which was "face out" facing the rear of the car (as is often necessary to access the law school parking lot) so that all identifying information was easily visible to the proper official. The only other regulation listed (and notable not within the "Parking and Traffic Rules" section) is that "Failure to display a current parking permit while on campus will result in the issuance of a parking citation. All charges, including tow charges and the purchase of current permit will be assessed before the vehicle is released." As noted supra, I was in compliance with this regulation as well. Both decals were hanging from the rearview mirror and were face out respectively. I had my decals properly affixed to the guidelines. This citation was invalidly operated. The guidelines as applied should be void for vagueness and ambiguity.

What the Constitution Does Not Say (Excerpts from profound 1L comments in ConLaw) Part 1

Prof: Where do rights come from?

Profound Lawdolecent of the Day: Human rights.

I get to sit in on the 1L ConLaw class this semester. It's a new semester, the LawTots have matured into Lawdolecents. While a few LawTot gunners have gotten their grades and have learned to refrain from contributing their opinion, there are still a few who will never learn that their opinion is not as profound as they think. Since I'm on the downhill coast for the rest of law school ConLaw is very entertaining because people get involved and feel the need to defend their opinion. (Un) Fortunately for the (learning)entertainment process, this leads to a lot of opinions which represent what the Constitution does not say.

In the spirit of the inaugural  What the Constitution Does Not Say, here are a few more first day goodies:

Prof: Where do rights come from?

Profound Lawdolecent of the Day: Dignity. (Think about it)

Prof: Where do rights come from?

Profound Lawdolecent of the Day: I think the Creator, God. (You knew someone was going to say it.)

Phaedrus: (Thinking) aka: Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. Thank you George Frederic Handel. Then again, as the song says (For Unto Us a Child is Born- Handel's Messiah) "and the government shall be upon his shoulder." Profound Lawdolecent May be onto something... nah.