Sucks to be this guy

So there's a guy who graduated from Michigan State. Went to get an LLM. Racked up $150k in student loans. Sent out 300 resumes. And got one job interview. Story here.

I think the sad thing is, this doesn't surprise me. I have friends here with good resumes that are going to really surprising frontier outposts or are still looking for work despite sending out almost this many resumes. Granted, no LLM, but for just regular law work, you wouldn't think that would matter.

Off Market

I took a job. I'm officially off the market. So there goes what little motivation I had left. Any guesses as to what percentage of our class has something lined up? This market is terrible.

Last Best Hope

Well my last, best hope for staying in the city I now call home was just flushed. I got a letter saying the firm would not be able to make a decision before BigLaw needs an answer from me. I'll try to find something in town but I can't turn away that much cash on the hope that someone will come to their senses in the spring.

Google Search of the Day - 7/24/08

After several days without one of these posts, I ran across a brand new search string that has led to hits on our blog several times lately. This one was not in the list the last time I checked a few days ago, so it has resulted in 11 hits in a relatively short period of time.

Google search of the day:

"i seriously got a biglaw job offer because of my breast implants"

I could not make this shit up. Congratulations. You are a whore in every sense of the word. You are the reason men are convinced that attractive women take a significant portion of biglaw jobs simply because they are attractive females. You are the reason hot girls in the bottom 5% of the class are still seen interviewing for the most lucrative associate positions and prestigious clerkships with horny old judges. You use your newly perky and unnaturally large double-Ds on your 110-pound frame to game your way into the legal market like other people use a resume and cover letter. You don't see anything wrong with using the body god (and your plastic surgeon) gave you to your professional advantage. Soon, you will sleep your way to partner at your new firm in record time. I hope you enjoy throwing your ankles into the air while old guys put it in you and motorboat those implants. At least have the decency to get on top. That's the whole point of breast implants anyway, right?

All of that is not to say that I find women with breast implants attractive. On the contrary, I prefer the boobies on my women to be natural rather than fake, rigid, and pointed.

Overheard in the Office - 7/22/08

Overheard in the basement computer lab eight of the AG's office clerks have invaded:

Church of Christ Clerk: "How many Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?...Light bulbs aren't mentioned in the New Testament and thus should not be incorporated into contemporary worship services."

Church of Christ Clerk: "How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?"
Southern Baptist Clerk: "You have to form a committee first."
Church of Christ Clerk: "...change?...huh?"

Summer Job Analogy Part 2 - Ford Escort or Geo Metro?

Second Half - State AG's Office

Enter the second half of the summer. I am currently clerking for the Attorney General's office in my home state. Things are a bit different here. In my car analogy, working for the AG's office is a 1987 Ford Escort or perhaps a Geo Metro.

Unpaid Clerkships - Are the Resume Builders and Rec Letters Worth It?
The clerkship is unpaid, which I'm guessing might be the usual situation for AG clerkships in most states. I think the officials justify the unpaid aspect of the clerkship by telling themselves (and us) that clerks gain "invaluable experience that you can't get anywhere else." Perhaps that is true, but not getting paid still sucks. It feels a little bit like being slave labor for law review, but at least we earn credit hours for that particular brand of torture. I was aware of the unpaid nature of the clerkship in advance, so I suppose I can't complain too much.

At the end of the clerkship, I theoretically will have something nice to put on my resume and some decent rec letters from people in the office, so at least there's some payoff. I wonder if the resume building aspect is even equal to what I would get from working at one of the private firms I had to turn down because I accepted this position early. I suppose it depends on which type of work I want to do, which is government anyway, so perhaps this position will work out in my favor. Look at that, I bet you didn't know I could have an optimistic thought!

The Politics of AG Offices - Surely It's Not Just a Southern Thing
This place exudes the politics of the Christian right and the good ol' boy network. I can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who is talking about how excited he is to witness an execution or how she loves working for an office that promotes "good Christian family values." I consider myself "conservative"--although some would disagree--but not THAT type of conservative. I expected to encounter this political climate in the AG's office, but I'm not sure I was really prepared for it. Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Austin anymore. Actually, the Texas AG is probably the same (or worse?) in the political arena, so perhaps this is also standard for AG offices, particularly in the South. I realize that attorneys who work for AG offices tend to be a little more politically conservative than most, but I think it has to be worse here than the majority of states.

State Agencies Are NOT Always Underfunded...Nevermind, I Forgot What State I'm From and Our Insane Tax System
This place is either woefully underfunded, horrendously mismanaged, or both. The IT department is straight out of 1999. The computers are running Pentium III processors with monitors reminiscent of the Apple II days. At least the monitors and processors function correctly most of the time. I admit I'm a bit snobbish when it comes to computer technology, but I don't think it's asking too much for offices to upgrade roughly every ten years. The average law student's laptop is roughly three times as powerful as these machines.

Not only do law clerks not get their own desks (I'm not talking offices or cubicles here, I mean DESKS), there aren't enough ancient computers to go around. We have to fight over the few computers that are in the "computer lab" (eight computers) and the office library (two computers). There are twenty clerks working in this office during the second half. A quick calculation shows that exactly half the clerks can simultaneously use a computer. Someone double check my simple addition and division.

Again, I don't necessarily expect them to set each of us up with a brand new commercial grade workstation and a laptop to match, but seriously...it's time to spring for the Pentium IVs or even newer processors and some extra RAM so we can simultaneously run more than Internet Explorer and two Word documents. Checking my e-mail has never been this difficult.

In Soviet Russia, Internet Browse YOU
There is also an Internet filter that reminds me of the one I encountered at the rural public high school I attended for two years. It blocks most sites that might POTENTIALLY display "offensive" content. The definition of "offensive" is extremely broad in this office as one might imagine. Facebook, all video game-related sites, and the BBC website (too objective/liberal?) are blocked. It's not like I want to waste away the entire day on the internet, but it would be nice if I could check my usual forums over lunch or read some relatively unbiased news on occasion. However, in an astounding stroke of good luck, the filter does not block this blog. I am surprsied it doesn't filter all the widely-used blog sites considering there is a LOT of porn out there on personal blogs. In my opinion, they should stop spending money on web filter software and start spending it on paying clerks and buying new (and more) computers.

The Obligatory Shitty Parking
The only non-metered, non-2 hour limit parking available to clerks is a 10-15 minute walk from the office. Keep in mind that this is a small city (very small by most standards), so there is no reason to expect to walk many blocks to work like one would expect in New York, LA, DC, etc or pay much for parking. My commute from home to the parking lot, and thus the area near the State House, takes 10-15 minutes. In other words, the walk from the parking lot doubles my commute time. Granted, a 20-30 minute total commute isn't bad at all in most places, but it's a lot considering the size of the city and the length of the drive.

The extremely short commute was supposed to be one of the few benefits of working here. Dammit, I'm counting those minutes spent walking as work time. I should start bringing tennis shoes to work and think of the walk as exercise instead of a foot-blistering journey in dress shoes and a suit in the 95 degree heat at the end of the day. Alas, I am a pessimist, so I will stick with the foot-blistering aspect of the walk. At least some of the attorneys in the office have to park out there too.

Anticipated Responses From Our Wonderful Readers

You're Working at an AG's Office, What Did You Expect?

Well, I expected some of the things listed above to be better here even if the problems still existed. I suppose it's an issue of degree for most of this stuff. In particular, the computer situation and parking problems are probably the most annoying because they weren't as foreseeable as the other issues. I think a lot of the problems in this office are the result of funding issues stemming from this state's reliance on a state sales tax as the government's primary source of income. Sales taxes are highly vulnerable to economic trends, so when the economy is down, so is the state budget. A case in point: I bet the only reason we have Pentium III machines instead of original Commodores is that the economy was doing well in the early 2000s just after the Pentium IIIs were released.

AG's Offices Are Filled With Ultra-Conservative Nutcases. Did You Not Realize This, You Fucking Moron?

I know, I stated in the earlier paragraph that AG office attorneys tend to be more conservative than most. Read the post before you judge me for bitching.

How Can You Whine About a 30 Minute Commute? My Commute Is 17 Hours Each Way In 175 Degree Heat In a Car Without AC

That this city is tiny with very little traffic and that I live roughly six miles away means it should take me 10 minutes to get to work. This means I should be able to roll out of bed at 7:35 and still look presentable while making it to work by 8 AM. If I was working in NY or DC, I wouldn't complain because a 30 minute commute would be miraculous. It's all relative.

An Analogy for My Summer Jobs - Acura RSX

First Half - Office of General Counsel, Austin TX
As some of you know, I clerked for the Office of General Counsel for the U. of Texas System during the first half of the summer. Even though it is a state agency, they paid me a reasonable hourly wage, although not nearly what I would have made at most private firms, and the office was nice and well-organized. Each clerk had an individual cubicle with a new computer, there were free sodas and coffee in the office, and we had lunches at least once or twice a week funded by the office or individual attorneys. The dress code was business casual, as in khakis and a collared shirt. The only reason to show up in business attire was for a court appearance. Everyone was laid back and friendly in that familiar Austin-y sort of way.



I left that clerkship with a positive outlook on government work, especially if I could find a way to get into a government job in Austin or a similar market. If I had to compare working at OGC to a type of car, it would be an Acura RSX. It wasn't a top of the line Aston Martin or Lamborghini like a BigLaw firm in a large market, but it would qualify as a reasonably nice upper middle class type of automobile in this analogy.

Office Amusement

I have mentally checked out for the rest of the day, which I think is legitimate considering that it's almost 4:30 PM on the Friday of a holiday weekend. Plus, I work at a state agency. Holidays and mental check-outs are perks.

To pass the time, I am biting the extremities off some mini-Teddy Grahams (cinnamon). Does it make me a sadist if I pretend that they scream?

Comments

I know it's "summer," but come on people. We are actually posting regularly for once, so leave us some comments! Bored summer clerks need attention from the internets while at work.

Feeling Underdressed...

The other two clerks in the office started today. One of the attorneys took the three of us to a hearing on a motion for a preliminary injunction on the U. of Texas affirmative action admissions program. I knew about this hearing last Friday, but the wording of the e-mail instructing me to attend led me to think that it was an internal administrative hearing by the University. Clearly, I was mistaken.

Since our office dress code is "casual" by most standards (for men, khakis and a tucked-in collared shirt), I showed up at work wearing my usual khakis and dress shirt. I was mortified when I heard that we were going to a federal court hearing. To make matters worse, both of the other clerks independently decided to wear a suit on the first day of work even though it is not required (or even preferred). Needless to say, I was the only person in the hearing who was not wearing a coat and tie. I was even more conspicuous because I chose a light green shirt, a color that starkly contrasts with the usual coat and tie colors. At least the judge didn't call me out. Apparently he is known to do such things, so perhaps I just lucked out.

Recent Ironies and Other Minutiae

It seems as though our bloggers have gotten off to a good start at our respective summer jobs. I am solidly on the government lawyer track, as I am working for the Office of General Counsel for the University of Texas System for the first half and the state AG's office in my home state during the second half.

The UTOGC office seems like a great place to be. It's laid back (read: no suit and tie dress code), yet quite busy at the same time. The workload will be sufficient to keep me busy, which is always nice because I despise having nothing to do at work. Plus, it's in Austin TX, perhaps one of the most amazing places to live in the country (world?). The city is well-planned, clean, and relatively safe. There is a broad range of activities available to suit almost any taste, including live music of all kinds, sports events, the most diverse bar scene I've ever encountered through my admittedly limited experience, art museums, great restaurants, political meetings, etc. On top of that, it's within easy driving distance of Schlitterbahn, the world's largest water park, and a Six Flags location. I'm no hippie, but there is something nice about living in a place where "keep [the city] weird" is the semi-official local slogan. It's one of the little blue islands in the great red sea of Texas. On my first day out to lunch, I was accosted by Greenpeace demonstrators and a guy who was freewheeling downhill in what appeared to be a wheelchair designed for racing. Austin is an interesting place indeed.

Some recent tidbits I found amusing:

1. While sorting out the inevitable IT issues one encounters when starting a new office-type job, I had occasion to visit the UT Office of Technology and Information Services. When the tech went to print the form that would allow me to upgrade my user account, he discovered that his computer did not have the proper printer installed.

2. While watching a VH1 episode of Sex: The Revolution, I noticed that they had to censor all the nudity. Apparently the revolution has not reached FCC regulations.

3. Saving Private Ryan was on TNT, and they did not censor any words except "fuck." However, other programs on TNT change "Jesus Christ" to "cheese and rice" and do not allow the use of "God damn" or any of its iterations. If they can air the word "bullshit" a few dozen times during a movie, why on earth are they still worried about offending the sensibilities of religious people who are probably already changing the channel because of the "cursing"? I'm all for just letting it all out, sensibilities be damned.

Pez Dispenser of Despair...and Irony

I like to say that law school occasionally doles out little pellets of encouragement, but it is generally a Pez dispenser of despair.  Today provided a prime illustration of this point.

First, I got an e-mail about getting a Best Paper in Prof. Hair Club's Administrative Law class.  Hooray, another irrelevant item to put on my resume!  This was the encouragement pellet for today.

I needed to move up exactly 6 spots in the rankings to move across one of those "cutoff" points in the class.  Of course, most students' GPAs increase after the first year because not all the classes are graded on a strict curve.  I was a sucker and took a couple of the big curved classes, the combined effect of which was to lower my GPA very slightly.  However, my overall GPA went up enough to make me confident that I could move into this other bracket.

When I got my ranking, I couldn't help but laugh.  I moved up precisely 6 spots!  However, our class somehow managed to lose 12 students despite gaining at least that many transfers.  Therefore, my current rank leaves me a grand total of 3 spots outside this cutoff.  As was the case last spring, my last reported grade was a lot lower than expected, and it probably bumped me far enough to keep me out.  I knew the material and the exam was easy, so I expected an A.  However, the registrar initially pressured the professor to lower his grades because there were too many A's, which means my B was probably an A but for forgetting to mention one or two tiny points in a 25 page document.  I won't know until exam review period.

Anyone who has read this blog much (I think there are roughly 5 of us) knows that I don't think grades mean much about any particular individual.  I don't think anything different about myself or anyone else based on grades.  Unfortunately, employers don't seem to feel the same way.  The practical reality is that good grades can be an enormous help in the job search, and some (bastard) employers round-file resumes based on class rank cutoffs.  

I don't think it's even the employment aspect of things that is disappointing.  I think it's that same disappointment that every law student who is close to one of these big cutoffs (and probably most other law students) must feel.  It's the disappointment of genuinely busting your ass to get somewhere, doing well enough to get there, and finding out that circumstances have changed and you can no longer get the satisfaction you sought after a semester of holy hell.  My reaction at this point is genuine laughter.  I should probably just file this away under the "Ironies of Law School" heading and forget about it because thinking about it will not accomplish anything.  At least I can laugh about it right now.

New Semester...

...but pretty much everything about law school has stayed the same.  Professors are actually bigger slackasses than students, so grades aren't entirely posted until three days after they are due.  Grades are still arbitrary, and they start out well but end with mild disappointment.  Rankings still aren't out.  The holidays almost let us forget about law review, but it's still around.  In fact, managing board elections are next week, and I'm going run for a couple of positions.  As El Guapo would say, I'm probably the biggest sucker of them all.  I suspect that the "resume builder" of being on managing board will turn out a lot like being on law review on the first place (read:  it hasn't yielded any tangible benefit, but it exponentially increases one's stress level), but we shall see.  I'm still bitter about things I can't change and incredulous about others' ambivalence to those things.  I still refuse to use a thesaurus for blog posting.  Ever.

    

A few things have changed.  It's no longer football season, which means we have one less "fun" thing to do, but we actually get to rest on the weekends.  Instead of spending every minute of class time blogging, the All Against All Bloggers have gone weeks without a genuine substantive post.  El Guapo loaded his schedule with criminal law classes, so this is the first time we haven't had at least one class together since starting law school.  It's strange to look to the left and see one of these crazy transfer kids I've befriended instead of El Guapo.  

Phaedrus has vanished into his girlfriend, both literally and figuratively.  Phaedrus' disappearing act when he has a girlfriend actually isn't anything new, but it's a change in the law school context.  She goes to what Phaedrus likes to call the state's "short bus" law school in the larger city roughly an hour away, so Phaedrus is routinely out of town.  This is the same girl whose friend caused quite a stir at the Halloween party, an incident that almost got Phaedrus put in the Honor Court pillory.  Perhaps this incident is related to why Phaedrus is constantly out of town instead of having his girlfriend in town.

I also have the summer covered in employment terms.  One half is with the state AG's office, which is an unpaid position, but I will get paid at least a little bit working for the Office of General Counsel at a large university.  It's amazing how much less stressful this semester has already been simply because I'm no longer looking for a summer job.  It's also astounding how much easier the job search became when I said "fuck it" to working at a private firm and took advantage of the minimal connections available to me.  I don't hold connections against those who take advantage of them, but dear god, it sucks to be one of the people without any obvious ones.

Over the holidays, I visited Austin, Texas, a glorious city that has a gem called "SPEC's."  This place is quite literally a supermarket for gourmet food, beer, wine, and liquor.  I'm a liquor drinker from the Bible Belt, so this place was like nirvana.  I dropped roughly $250 on liquor that would have cost over $550 in my home state.  Hopefully transporting large amounts of liquor over state lines is not a crime.  If it is, the prohibitionists can go fuck themselves with their "sin taxes."

One other thing is different.  It SNOWED.  None of it stuck to the ground here, but there were actual flakes.  Of snow.  The snow came less than one week after temperatures were in the mid-70s.  My Environmental Law professor blames global warming.

For You Med-Mal Types - Another Link

I'm sorry sir, your wife died on the operating table

OK, so maybe the act in the strip is more along the lines of a battery or a criminal charge of rape.

Do Your Friends Speak Hindi?

If anyone reading this blog has an Indian friend, for the love of god...you MUST watch this video:

Bad Indian Music Video With Humorous (Even Worse)
English Subtitles

Dear...god. I can't stop watching it, and I don't know why.

Sanjay, I'm probably going to call you Benny Lava for the duration of holiday break. I'm sorry, but I'm sure you understand.

How Bad Is It...

...when you interview with a firm and receive a rejection letter three business days later? Actually, that isn't so uncommon, especially at firms with quick turnaround times.

How about this...how bad is it when you know that same firm was still interviewing people at the time you received the rejection letter? Not only that, this is the one private firm in which you were genuinely interested through two cycles of OCI and dozens of mail merged resume/cover letter combos. It's essentially like they said "we so desperately do not want to work with you that we're willing to take the chance that the ten remaining candidates we haven't met yet are just as terrible as you."

I'll analogize it to dating, which is the only convincing analogy I've heard for the job search process. It's a lot like meeting a beautiful girl at a bar (I'm a guy here, not going to use the gender-neutral terminology), getting her phone number , and going on a date with her. You hit it off, have everything in common (including some rather unusual interests and qualities), and you end the night by taking her to your place to engage in some extracurricular activities. When you get to the door, she suddenly kicks you in the shin, throws a left hook into your ribs, knees you in the face, and runs away down the street. Two weeks later, you see her out at the bar with a short, fat guy who works as a janitor at the local Denny's.

It just can't be easy, can it?

Another CSO E-mail Full of Failure

Taken directly from a CSO e-mail subject line:

FREE Opportunity to Expose Yourself to Employers

I sincerely do not want to expose myself to employers (or most other people). That's usually considered indecent exposure and might get me arrested. Phaedrus might have gotten one of these opportunities when he went out to the bars with a young female associate from a New Orleans firm.

Oh, the Irony

So I've been compiling a list of firms to which I will be sending resumes very shortly. Very few firm web sites contain any information about recruitment or employment, so I was elated to finally run across one that had a whole section entitled "Employment Opportunities." Here is an actual screenshot of what I found:


The page is fully loaded. It pretty much sums up the job search so far.

Undergrads in the Library

Phaedrus: i've got to figure out how i can find out her name

Phaedrus: i might go pretend i lost something, and act like i left it with the morning girl and try to remember her name

Phaedrus: i mean, there's a reason cute undergrads work in the library here

Guy Fawkes: clearly it's to meet eligible 2L's

Phaedrus: heck yeah it is
Phaedrus: i'd date this one

Phaedrus: she's up to my sober standards

Phaedrus: but speaking of getting fucked

Phaedrus: i've got to go interview

We are such law students. Phaedrus is of the "that guy" variety.

Great Moments in Career Services and OCI History

1. In the midst of spring interviews, CSO sends an e-mail to 1L's offering "opportunities" to work for free to those who have a "sense of outrage at injustice." See this post for details.

2. Phaedrus interviews with a firm from the same city that is overflowing with cheesy tourist attractions, mascots with huge foam heads, screaming children, and Imagineers. The interviewer tells Phaedrus that one of the best things about the firm is how open-minded they are. Phaedrus seizes this opportunity to score brownie (kissass) points by talking about how social justice begins with the legal profession. Phaedrus also mentions that he disagrees with his private Baptist undergrad school's reluctance to add sexual orientation to their anti-discrimination policy. The interviewer spends the next 20 minutes describing his experiences with coming out of the closet. Phaedrus furiously backpedals by mentioning his GIRLfriend (emphasis added by Phaedrus). The interviewer touches Phaedrus on the arm and says, "Oh honey, I was married for 20 years."

3. Big Corporate Firm schedules 10 minute interviews all day. The interviewer proceeds to tell all candidates that the firm "likes to interview as many people as possible," and that they're only hiring for two clerk positions. Big Corporate Firm is also interviewing students from at least two other schools that we know of. The firm sends an e-mail rejection letter to at least one candidate.

4. Big Firm #2 schedules on-campus interviews with approximately 20 students. One day before the interview date, Big Firm #2 sends the following e-mail to the Career Services Office (CSO): "We have filled our positions for next summer and will not be conducting on-campus interviews." Guy Fawkes registers the firm's address on the NAMBLA newsletter mailing list.

5. Guy Fawkes arrives for back to back interviews with Firm 1 and Firm 2 a few minutes early. An interviewer approaches Guy Fawkes and says, "We're running a little early, would you mind coming on back?" Guy Fawkes accepts because he is actually early for the interview, so it is reasonable to assume that the interviewer is from the correct firm. Immediately after finishing the interview, Guy Fawkes learns that someone didn't show for an interview with Firm 2, which is why they were running early. Guy Fawkes is mortified because he almost dropped the firm's name during the interview. Only the grace of some higher power (or for you nihilists, pure dumb luck) prevents disaster. The people with whom Guy Fawkes should have been interviewing have a good laugh at Guy's expense and get the impression that he is clueless.

6. Describing the events in #5 drives me to learn how to refer to myself in the third person so I can sound more like a tool.

7. Big Firm #1 (see supra, item 3) distributes a form letter at the end of each interview. The letter says "please do not send a thank-you note." Most candidates have trouble containing their laughter.

8. An interviewer from a small firm in a smaller city market interviews roughly 15 people without asking a single question. He spends the entirety of each 20 minute interview droning on about how wonderful it is to work for a firm without any established clients because "you never know what kind of work you'll be doing when you get to the office." Guy Fawkes understands his perspective, but thinks that isn't the best way to sell one's firm to candidates.

9. CSO e-mails for almost every job fair contain the following as the first several lines (scaled down so it doesn't dominate the post): *ATTENTION* LEGAL CAREER FAIR *ATTENTION* The substantive information in each e-mail takes up less space than the attention line.

10. A CSO employee with "Assistant Dean" in his/her job title is photographed at various bars around town while hammered and hitting on undergrads. The pictures make it to Facebook shortly thereafter.

11. Much-beloved CSO employee inexplicably quits the job. It is rumored that she found a large amount of porn on another employee's computer, prompting her abrupt departure (see supra, item 10). This rumor is unconfirmed by the blog contributors, but somehow, it's not surprising.