Breaking News: "Raccoon Mailer" Arrested!

Recently, one of our dear compatriots, the raccoon himself, was caught while attempting to create more mayhem. This time, the ever-anonymous raccoon was allegedly attempting to steal beer from a private residence. The following are surveillance photos and police press release images of our noble and unjustly imprisoned friend. We are currently pressing the police for authentication of these images, but they have been uncooperative so far.


Supposed surveillance image of our raccoon breaking and entering through the rear entrance of a private residence. Note that the raccoon's face does not appear in the image, making true identification impossible. The police clearly have the wrong raccoon in custody:



Here we see another unauthenticated "surveillance image" of the raccoon allegedly taking beer from a private residence. While our raccoon loves beer (especially Sam Adams Lager when it's on sale at the grocery store), the first thing HE would have done is tear those wires out of the computer in the background. Our raccoon would have likely used the stapler in the photo to staple the Sam Adams box to the destroyed computer wires. Also, who the fuck has security cameras inside their house, particularly ones that zoom in on a specific spot on the desk??? I smell entrapment.




First police press release mugshot of the raccoon. The profile angle clearly shows that this raccoon is obese, whereas our raccoon can literally fly and deliver business reply envelopes! There's no way he could do that if he was a fatass like this pathetic excuse for a raccoon.



Second police press release mugshot of our fuzzy friend. Note that the whiskers and nose are indistinguishable from those of other raccoons. Also note the ominous shadow in the background, which closely resembles the raccoon...THERE IS NO LIGHT BEHIND THE POLICE CAMERA. This is clearly a case of mistaken identity, or perhaps haunting:


Please, we implore you...contribute to the raccoon's bail and defense fund!

Recruiting Volunteers: Stress Relief Through Absurdity and Humor

That last post might have been a bit premature. I'm working on a new photo-blogging series about anything that screws with big businesses in random ways.

First project:
1. collect Business Reply Mail envelopes from ANYwhere
2. Mail anything you want to get rid of back to the large corporation of your choice...assuming you can fit it into a standard envelope.
3. The entire point is to pin the cost of these mailings on these companies using the most ridiculous things you can dig out of your closet.
4. Write at least three standard English letters together and in sequence on something inside the envelope. For example, I might write "GF" on a piece of notebook paper that goes in the envelope.
5. READ PART #4 AT THE END OF THIS POST

Yes, it's been done before. Trillions of adolescents have probably used this as a subconscious tool for rebellion, all the while chuckling to themselves like weasels about how clever they were. While I am indeed chuckling like a weasel, I don't find it terribly clever anymore since I just gained a renewed interest in it via this quote from www.bash.org. Honestly, who gives a shit? I'm also going to call OUR rebellion "Driving Up the Cost of Sending Junk Mail: An Externality on YOU from the Minds of Idiots." I'm also naming the rebellion "I like random shit people do for no apparent reason, Or Would You Kindly Get a Sense of the Absurd."

My official title in the rebellion shall be "Grand Field Marshal Mail Ninja." I may be addressed as "Marshal," "Sir," or "Comrade." Or Guy Fawkes, whatever.

Anyone interested? Trust me, this can be an effective outlet for some of that school/work/family/life stress that's on most of us. Just forget who you are right now and do something ridiculous


Better yet, POST SOME OTHER "PROJECT" IDEAS. Just brain-dump some comments with absurd things you've always wanted to do in ANY context, legal or illegal. This includes stabbing me in the face over the Internet.









Disclaimer:
4. DO NOT MAIL/SHIP ANYTHING THAT COULD EVEN CONCEIVABLY BE DANGEROUS. This also means do not send any illegal materials, whether or not they are dangerous while in the package. Unlike the failed revolution in which Guy Fawkes participated, nothing from this fun little distraction should cause ANY type of destruction.

I'm not saying this just to cover my ass. I mean it, internet peoplez. The idea here is to have fun and mock the American financial system (economy in general?...whatever you want to mock...mock mock mock). No one gets physically injured or even put in harm's way for any reason. For some helpful info on what NOT to send, here are a couple of links:

USPS Info RE: Hazardous Materials
USPS Aviation Mail Guidelines

The Aviation Mail Guidelines also contain links to the most current USPS guidelines on most other safety areas. Also, if your mail goes out through a method other than USPS...make sure you AT LEAST follow the USPS Safety Guidelines and anything additional your carrier requires.

French Humor, It Exists, Oui?

Admittedly, I have an unusually strong penchant for some odd types of humor. See, for example, the immediately preceding post. However, I think almost everyone can appreciate this legitimately epic gem that is currently making the rounds online. I would not post this if it wasn't worth watching all the way through. I have only come to tears from laughter roughly four times in my life, including about 10 minutes ago. All I will say is that it involves a "jackass kangaroo."



Consider how long it probably took these insane Frenchies to get some of the shots in the video. Hopping through at precisely the right time to steal fast food as it passes through the drive-through window? Few words can describe the brilliance of this absurdity.

Insomnia...

I have gotten a total of one hour of sleep in the past 48 hours, yet I am wide awake with no signs of slowing down. Therefore, here is a cat-related picture:



Quick, someone fill in the logic between the two sentences above the pie-eating feline.

A One-Sided Divorce: Trees, Rabbits, and Questioning Humanity

I don't even know what to nickname our Family Law prof. He has the best stories, as most divorce lawyers seem to. I'll post some of them here from time to time. Taking suggestions on names for him.

Story
“I represented this one guy who wanted the trees out of his front yard and the six rabbits they had. That's it, no house, no money, nothing...just the trees and the rabbits. He would NOT budge. I told him the judge would never award him the trees in the yard by themselves, but he refused to come off it. I was embarrassed to go to the other lawyer and tell him about the trees and rabbits. But the judge gave him the trees and rabbits. About a week later, I called the guy to see how he was doing.

Attorney: ‘What happened to those rabbits, they keeping you company?’
Client: ‘Nope. Ate ‘em.’
Attorney: ... ... ... ... ... *stunned silence* 'Well...what about the trees??? We dug them out of the yard, replanted them, and re-sodded the yard, not to mention the billable hours it cost to get all that done. You realize this cost you thousands of dollars, right?'
Client: 'Bitch took my stove, but not my axe, my lighter fluid, or my lawn chairs. How do you think I cooked the rabbits?'"
/end story

The sad thing is that one day, he will tell one of these stories and a student will recognize one of his/her relatives as the subject.

Doing What Lawyers Do Best

So I did what lawyers do best and procrastinated this weekend. My sister was moving from the dorm to an apartment so I jumped on down to NOLA and helped her move. Of course, I had to take the normal gustation tour. Sadly, the line at Galatoire's was too long to get a first floor seat. A very fortunate cancellation, however, got me a table at my other favorite Friday night place,Antoine's. As always, I was torn between the Escargots a la Bordelaise or the original Huitres en coquille a la Rockefeller. The thing that amazes me about the established restaurants in the Vieux Carre is that the same waiters have worked there for 40+ years. From what I hear, someone has to die for a new waiter to get a spot. Saturday morning was great, I took a jog down St. Charles and topped it off with my favorite coffee at Cafe du Monde. My sister heckles me about being such a tourist, but I love strong coffee. There is just something about their coffee with chickory that does it for me. So I loaded up on coffee to bring home so I can have my cafe au lait in the mornings before work (and likely the nights at work) this summer. After moving my sister into her new Garden District duplex, I just rocked on her porch in seersucker, drank a mint julep, and thought "It's good to own land." Saturday night I stayed away from the Quarter and had dinner at Jacque-Imo's, you haven't lived until you've had alligator sausage cheesecake and Abita Strawberry Beer. Sunday morning was bittersweet as always, back to the cafe du monde for a quick cafe au lait and then to brunch at Brennan's- talk about a meal: turtle soup, Eggs Hussarde, and the original Bananas Foster.

Then it all came crashing down as I drove back a million miles to home where I had Moe's for dinner. I'm now drinking my cafe du monde chickory coffee and doing research for an antitrust article...blah!